


over radio waves

by disstrack



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Idols, Jealousy, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Reality TV, Slow Burn, Strained Friendships, Strained Relationships, We Got Married, idolverse, some Real Talk on the reality of idols, some hints of unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 34,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23140627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disstrack/pseuds/disstrack
Summary: “Yeah, they’re really into it, you know?” Felix says, handing back the phone. “All that shipping stuff. Fan culture.”Hyunjin knows about that. A bit. Ship is short for relationships. It’s a sort of thing that fans do when they see two members act a certain way that reminds them of a couple. They “ship” members because they look like they could be in a relationship.It’s not a big deal, technically speaking. But,“They’re talking about us.” Hyunjin points out. “‘Shipping’ us two specifically, with Changbin-hyung.”or: Shipping ruins relationships. This isn't something Hyunjin realizes until Changbin joins We Got Married.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix & Seo Changbin
Comments: 50
Kudos: 208
Collections: BBBFest Debut Round: The Bittersweet Option, tugs on my heartstrings





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> imma be real with you chief ... this is One Big Fat Mess that was meant to be like ,, less than 10k or some sort of crap, but as usual, it got blown out of proportion the more i started writing.
> 
> i really wanted to join this bbb fest and actually planned on writing more fics for it but ... its ending this month and i could only manage to come up with this one. i'd typically lay out the entire story in one big shot, but i realized that it's better to read this in bites rather than in a single swoop for easy digest and to properly space out the timeskips, which you also shouldnt take that seriously bc i gave up on that halfway since i'm admittedly terrible at maintaining consistency and completely accurate realism. lets also pretend there isnt a pandemic happening in the entire world because i spent an entire month working on this and neglecting all of my other responsibilities. pls enjoy this slow burn introspective changjin fic for all its worth. 
> 
> (oh, and special shout out to the mods for creating this wonderful event and my beta, [bunnie](https://twitter.com/bunnieju)!)
> 
> a few notes!
> 
>   * No claim of being accurate in terms of reality shows and idol schedules, especially We Got Married (which you don’t really need to know to understand the story), since I only watched two couples and didn’t even finish their runs. 
>   * Set around a year or so after Levanter era, but Woojin is still part of Stray Kids in this canon-ish universe
>   * I know on screen Changbin is a very playful and easy-to-tease person to all the members and fans, but because of the idea of “idol persona”, he’s a very serious and resigned hyung behind-the-scenes and in this fic, because it’s meant to show the contrast between what idols show us and who they truly are. However, I’m not claiming that the way Stray Kids are around and in front of STAYs is necessarily an act they put up around us, just something that might be possible. The characterization of Changbin here is based on how much of a solemn person he was back in the survival show, even if every once in a while he’d show his “cute” side, as well as how the other members described him in his One Kids’ Room. The same thing goes for the rest of the members and what the fic will say about who they are as people. I’m not claiming to know them behind the camera, because the point is that none of us do; I’m just speculating because people are more complex than they appear to be (something you learn as a Psychology major). 
>   * There was a difficult internal debate on whether or not to paint the idol industry as shitty as it is in a lot of fics that talk about the issue, which is to say, borderline abusive if not outright, but this story kind of settled at a middle ground between tolerable and absolutely hell. Technically, being an idol has the same level of suffering as working in corporate. It would’ve been a lot bleaker if I already didn’t have a different focus for this story. 
>   * There are original characters in this fic because using a pre-existing girl group felt like it could easily get controversial, but they don't really have any dialogue/speaking roles. That being said, I love them wholeheartedly anyway
>   * No intended hate for other ships in the Stray Kids fandom. The point of this story is really just to depict the impact these ships make on the members and the possible reality of their relationships with one another outside of fandom-lens. 
>   * Twitter handles are not intentional nor are meant to reflect actual existing accounts. I just made them up as I was going along the story. 
> 


It’s not that today is a day-off, but the separate things they have to do for the day are loose enough for them to afford to mess around. Only Hyunjin was supposed to head to the dance room, wanting to refine his movements in their choreography, but then Minho found out about his plan and insisted on tagging along, bringing along Felix and Woojin. 

At first, Hyunjin didn't mind, thinking that the idea of having company would be great. But then the hours pass and Felix gets the brilliant idea of testing how many stunts they could pull in their songs, and Minho and Woojin are only on board because they can’t say no to Felix’s sincere enthusiasm— one brought about most likely by Changbin, who probably said something positive about Felix’s interest in acrobatics. Hyunjin, on the other hand, despite being one of the members with the biggest soft spot for Felix, is reluctant. He came here to practice seriously, after all. 

He says as much to Minho, because in the end the older is their dance team’s leader. But Minho only frowns. “It’s not like we aren’t doing well; the comeback is a hit. You don’t need to stress out so much, Hyunjin. Relax. Have a little fun. We all kind of need it anyway.”

Minho is only saying this in reference to Chan, who is the main reason their schedule today is ridiculously flexible. It’s not unusual for the oldest to wear himself out by working the entire night even though he’s awake for most of the day, but all the exhaustion he’d been keeping in as a result has finally spilled out, and he’s currently in the dorm, trying to cool down a fever. It’s nothing that bad, nothing a good 12 hours of sleep couldn’t fix, but management paused their rigorous activities for the day in light of the situation. 

The thing is, Hyunjin isn’t stressed. He’s just being mindful. They had a performance two days ago, and Jisung forgot the moves to “Double Knot”. It wasn’t really a big deal considering that it’s becoming a common thing for him to experience, so the fans just laugh goodnaturedly and the members merely sigh in exasperation. But it’s only been a year since “Double Knot” was released, and Hyunjin is getting paranoid that he might have forgotten some moves as well. It hasn’t happened so far, the choreography practically ingrained into him to the point that his body recalls things faster than his own brain can, but Hyunjin is lacking the same passion he once had for the songs, and it doesn’t sit well with him. Getting all the moves right doesn’t mean jackshit if you don’t look good doing it, and for that, he needs to feel the song. 

Hyunjin doesn’t want to ruin the easygoing mood the others have though, so he lets them fool around while he continues practicing. They don’t nag him to join them because they know to respect his distance when he needs it, and it’s relatively easy to drown out the noise they make when he’s completely focused on his reflection in the mirror in front of them, but he isn’t improving, and it’s starting to grate on his nerves. 

Around an hour later, Seungmin comes in announcing that they’re doing an impromptu Vlive. It’s Hyunjin’s cue to finally take a break, but he doesn’t join the rest as they crowd around the phone. The atmosphere is hot and sticky, the perfect representation of how he looks, so he lingers by the back so the fans won’t see him. He gives Seungmin the usual signal that he isn’t in the mood to be an idol just yet, and though Seungmin nods in understanding, it doesn’t stop him from pointing out to the fans that the reason Hyunjin is so far from them is that he’s embarrassed by how he looks. 

He finds a corner that ensures that he isn’t in range of the camera anymore and pulls up the hood of his hoodie, mindlessly scrolling through his phone. After Seungmin offers an excuse for Hyunjin’s lack of participation — he doesn’t feel well, the usual — the fans easily redirect their attention to the active members. He’ll have to resume practice after all the others have left because the rest of the rooms are either locked or being used, and they only got permission to use this one today, and he kind of hates it, because the longer he stays there and doesn’t do anything, the lazier he gets and the more he thinks about backtracking his earlier intention. 

A notification pops up as he rewatches god’s “Love and remember”. It’s a text message from Jisung, asking where he is. Hyunjin texts him a reply before returning to finishing the video. In the room, “Miroh” blares, Felix trying to show the fans how he managed to teach Woojin to do a cartwheel the moment he comes in the song to sing. 

Hyunjin doesn’t think much of it until the door bursts open and Jisung barges in, which is a stupid decision on his move, because the loud sound and sudden presence of the other startles him so much that he jumps and accidentally drops his phone in the process. 

“I have an announcement, everyone!” Jisung declares, causing Woojin, Felix, Minho, and Seungmin to glance at him. “Changbin-hyung is going to join We Got Married!”

For a while, everyone is silent. Then Changbin comes into view only to thump the back of Jisung’s head. “You fucking idiot,” he says, showing Jisung his phone and the live they’re currently streaming. “They’re on Vlive, and this was supposed to be a  _ secret _ .” 

“Oh,” Jisung says dumbly, just as Minho yells because the comments section explodes with reactions. 

The Vlive crashes because of the influx. Felix wants to revive it, but Woojin tells them to hold it off a bit because they need to talk about what Jisung just said. Even though the thing is about Changbin, it’s Jisung who they crowd around, as if they know from the look on Changbin’s face that he isn’t as willing to talk about the topic with the same level of energy as Jisung. 

From the corner of Hyunjin’s eye, he catches the redness on Changbin’s cheek, the only thing really telling of how he feels about the current situation. Hyunjin picks up his fallen phone. There’s a crack on the upper left area of it, and he internally curses Jisung for being so fucking dramatic about everything. 

* * *

Their manager clearly isn’t happy with what Jisung did, but he doesn’t do anything more than give him a twenty-minute talk on why he should learn to be a little more careful and situation-sensitive, because technically speaking, Changbin’s solo activity isn’t that earth-shattering. 

It’s a light enough issue that neither management nor the members bother to make a follow-up announcement or some kind of clarification as to what Jisung had said, believing that they could possibly get away with it because the information came from  _ Vlive _ , and most of the shit they say and do there isn’t really relevant enough to make headlines or be noticed by anyone other than their active fans. 

Except somehow, it ends up trending Twitter for the next few days. 

“I hate you,” Changbin tells Jisung resignedly. 

Officially, they only really have the Stray Kids Twitter, but it’s kind of an open secret that a handful of the members have their own secret accounts. Everyone sort of visits the platform at some point, logging onto the other members’ profiles to see how the fans are doing and what they’re saying about them. It’s why Felix and Chan know so much inside jokes and references that sometimes just fly past the rest of their heads. 

The only reason Hyunjin can even vaguely grasp the things they say to one another sometimes — it used to just be English, that thing they had between them, but then it became online lingo, and sometimes Hyunjin marvels at the fact that they still manage to squeeze in time to find all of this out when he knows that Chan and Felix get the least amount of sleep, albeit for different reasons — is because he has a slight obsession with using social media to find out what the public thinks of them, of  _ him _ . It’s not that much of a problem because they all do that, forever sensitive and open to criticism because they still see themselves as the scrawny rookies who stood onstage during the survival show that only truly made it out as nine less because of their skill and more because PD-nim knew that they’d break if they weren’t all together.

It’s just that Hyunjin, out of them all, has a bad habit of letting it occupy his thoughts more often than not.

They’re in the dressing room, set to perform in about an hour and a half’s time. Soundcheck went well enough, and their dinner came early. Some of the members are already digging into the japchae, others are getting their makeup retouched, and the remaining few are probably napping or horsing around. 

Hyunjin’s stylist is fixing his hair as he looks at Twitter through his phone — the screen cracked and lighting permanently off by a bit, but ultimately still usable — on Jisung’s account. The hashtag the fans are using is  _ #ChangbinGettingMarried _ , and the tweets made in relation are a mix of their reactions to the unofficial but truthful news and different kinds of wedding edits, like Changbin being poorly PhotoShopped in a stock image wedding scenery and fans adding wedding videos or music that has some Changbin seen there in some way. 

The most popular tweets are the ones trying to figure out who Changbin’s partner is going to be, since no one who has a clue is planning on spilling a thing and the name won’t be dropped until after a week before the first official episode airs, which won’t be for around a month. Now that Hyunjin thinks about it, Changbin hasn’t told any of them either. 

It’s kind of fun, trying to figure it out. Seeing the theories of the fans has led Hyunjin to wonder himself if Changbin would be paired with an idol they know, whether or not they debuted before Stray Kids or after, if Changbin would genuinely get along with whichever girl he gets paired with or if they’ll have to fake the entire thing. Changbin is plenty friendly, so it’s not likely to happen, but Hyunjin also knows that Changbin isn’t close with many female idols. 

Do they shorten the activities couples have to do if they don’t have any chemistry or do they do some background research on both individuals before doing the pair up? Why was Changbin even chosen anyway? Hyunjin doesn’t remember any of the members ever even saying that they wanted to be featured in a specific kind of variety show during any interviews they had, what more a popular one like this. 

Hyunjin barely remembers how the show works. He’s only watched one episode of We Got Married his entire life, and he doesn’t even remember a single couple there. 

He should probably ask Changbin, he realizes. Since Changbin is now joining, he should know. 

Hyunjin finds Changbin by the couch area, with Felix’s head resting on his lap, the younger on his phone and chuckling to himself every once in a while. Changbin doesn’t seem disturbed in the slightest by Felix, seemingly more engrossed in the book he’s reading. He has his glasses on, though they have no grade and lens. It makes him look smarter, according to him; so if he ever wears it in the dorm, it means he’s about to get serious about something. 

Changbin is an idiot, but Hyunjin has to admit that the older looks cute in the accessory, even if glasses aren’t meant to be used as a prop in the first place. (He knows, because Jisung, who actually needs glasses, complains about the hardships of being blind often. This is probably the root of the reason as to why Changbin owns a pair in the first place— just to spite the other.)

Felix laughs again, but this one is louder than the others. Hyunjin immediately glances at him before looking to Changbin. “What’s up with him?”

“Twitter.” is Changbin’s only explanation, flipping to another page. 

“Oh,” Hyunjin says. “Is this  _ #ChangbinGettingMarried _ ?”

Felix finally looks to Hyunjin, and his face splits into a wide grin as Changbin groans at the mention of the hashtag. “Have you seen the tweets?”

“Not as much as you, I’m sure.” Hyunjin says. He takes out his phone and presses the Twitter app, clicking the hashtag once more. “Did anything new come up?” 

“Just the fans’ creative guesses as to who Changbin’s wife could be.” Felix replies. 

There’s nothing new Hyunjin sees at first, as he scrolls down the tweets. He doesn’t understand the source of Felix’s amusement with regards to the fans’ guessing, as Hyunjin finds their reactions a lot more entertaining. Then he sees it, the first one. And then he swipes down and suddenly he’s spotting more— talk that Changbin’s mystery woman might actually be a man, and that it might be none other than the other members. Hyunjin frowns and looks through more tweets. It becomes frighteningly easy to pick out the ones that say something along the same lines, and they get increasingly more detailed the more he sees. Comments that Changbin will actually be doing We Got Married with one of the members, jokes that some of the others would get heartbroken or jealous over the new development of Changbin joining the program. Specifying that it would be Felix and  _ Hyunjin _ , of all. 

Hyunjin looks up from his phone. “Have you seen any of this?”

Felix puts his phone down and lets Hyunjin hand his own phone to him. Then he laughs, much to the elder’s shock. “Yeah, they’re really into it, you know?” he says, handing back the phone. “All that shipping stuff. Fan culture.”

Hyunjin knows about that. A bit. Ship is short for relationships. It’s a sort of thing that fans do when they see two members act a certain way that reminds them of a couple. They “ship” members because they look like they could be in a relationship. Hyunjin gets it only because of all the dramas he watches and he does it too, mourning relationships of the characters that don’t come to be and rejoicing for the ones that do, and this, what the fans are doing— it’s basically the same thing, except with real people instead of fictional ones.

It’s not a big deal, technically speaking. But, 

“They’re talking about us.” Hyunjin points out. “‘Shipping’ us two specifically, with Changbin-hyung.”

“They’re the popular ships in the fandom with relation to hyung.” Felix explains. He giggles, and to ease the confused look on Hyunjin’s face, he shows him his phone, playing out a clip of the kiss scene Changbin and Felix did back in their survival show. Above the video is the caption, and though it’s in English, Hyunjin has been getting better at reading it, so he can make out the words.  _ Can’t wait to see a real kiss once it gets revealed that they’re both starring in We Got Married together.  _ “The fans are hilarious, coming up with shit like this.”

Hyunjin doesn’t share the same sentiments as Felix, the easy way he accepts what the fans say about them, how he doesn’t take them seriously and finds entertainment in them instead. He can’t begin to grasp it. He isn’t sure he wants to. These eight people are practically his family, and he’s never seen them in any other light than that, has never even considered the prospect that they could be anything more than what they already are to him. But everyone interprets relationships differently, so viewing his dynamic with the members with rose-tinted lenses is something bound to happen, especially when their market is composed of adolescents, some experienced in the love department, others not so much, but all of them trying to navigate through its complicated maze regardless. 

The thing is, even as a joke, even though Hyunjin is an idol and should be getting used to being scrutinized constantly, he can’t help but feel unsettled at the idea, even if he doesn’t know what makes this so different from the rest. 

His lack of reply to anything Felix has said catches Changbin’s attention, and he looks up from his book for the first time since Hyunjin got here, even if the two younger ones had been talking about him. 

“‘Lix, I think you freaked him out.” Changbin tells Felix, before glancing back at Hyunjin. “Don’t worry about what they think, yeah?”

It’s like Changbin hadn’t even heard the fact that Felix was talking about the fans squealing about shipping members with  _ him _ , the technical center of the situation. Hyunjin can’t figure out the other’s reaction to the comments, even if he knows that Changbin knew what they were talking about. 

Then Chan calls him over to start eating his japchae before he devours it, and Hyunjin is forced to forget about it for the meantime. 

* * *

For once, Hyunjin is the first to wake up. Woojin follows shortly after, and takes charge of waking up the rest of the members while Hyunjin goes to shower. 

Today is filming day for the newest season of The 9th, wherein they’re planning on stopping with the vlogs and dedicating everything to doing a different assortment of activities, but everyone moves around the dorm rather calmly, not that much in a rush because it’s only eight and the van is still going to come around at ten. By the time Hyunjin emerges from the bathroom, Seungmin is already starting on breakfast and Woojin has already poured a cup of coffee for everyone except for Chan, who is probably the only one still asleep, judging from how his room is the only one whose door is closed. Jeongin’s phone is timed to alert them to wake their leader up in an hour. 

Hyunjin idly watches Seungmin and Minho argue as they cook together while Felix keeps on taking not-so-secret pouring copious amounts of white sugar into Changbin’s coffee, which all end up being for naught because Changbin ends up giving his mug to Jisung instead, and Hyunjin already dreads how chaotic their filming will be for today because of the hyperactivity that will burst in Jisung the moment the sugar combined with the caffiene kicks in. There wouldn’t normally be this much muted noise — it’s still too early for them to be as energetic as they typically are later in the day, though their scratchy hushed voices are rough and slowly get louder the more they use them — but everyone seems to be in a pretty good mood because the past week hadn’t been that brutal on them. It’s nice, and Hyunjin cherishes moments like these. 

After breakfast, Hyunjin slips back into his shared room with Woojin. They changed roommates again a month ago, and Woojin is probably the best one Hyunjin has ever had so far. Hyunjin has laid out his clothes for the day on the bed even though it won’t mean anything when they actually shoot because they’re all going to wear their latest hoodie merch, but his mother sent him a lot of clothes for his birthday, and he feels bad if he doesn’t recognize the effort she had put into choosing them. 

Someone enters the room. At first, Hyunjin thinks it’s just Woojin, but when he finally looks up, it’s Changbin instead. 

“Hyung,” Hyunjin starts, but Changbin raises a white cord in reply.

“You need one to charge your new phone, right?” he says. 

Though Changbin is up with the rest of them, he won’t be joining them for the first episode of their latest The 9th season because he has to go film for the first episode of We Got Married. Hyunjin doesn’t know what time Changbin has to go besides the fact that he has to leave earlier than the rest of them. The older is already dressed, going for black ripped jeans, a white shirt with an English word printed at the center, and a leather jacket to top it all off. Though the only one who really dresses rather horrendously is Jisung, none of them have actively dressed stylishly, so this is a first. Hyunjin doesn’t know if the effort for the get-up is out of Changbin’s own volition or management’s, but the look is good on Changbin; if he was going on a legitimate date, he’d surely make a great first impression. 

Hyunjin takes the cord and uses it to connect his new phone to his power bank. It’s not really a new phone in the sense that it’s the latest version out in the market, but it’s Changbin’s extra, unused one, a gift from his dad even though he already owned one. Hyunjin hadn’t technically asked for it, more than content to nag Jisung to pay to fix his cracked screen and other repairs because it was technically his fault Hyunjin’s phone was damaged, but last week, Changbin had seen Hyunjin struggle to take a selca because his camera also got damaged, and offered to give the younger his spare phone. Though it wasn’t like Hyunjin couldn’t personally afford to have his phone fixed, Changbin was willing to give him a brand new device for  _ free _ , so he hadn’t said no. 

“Thanks.” He tells Changbin. 

Changbin cocks his head. “You’re wearing my hoodie,” he points out. 

Hyunjin glances down, not having noticed. It’s a dark blue hoodie, with splotches of paint that could never be properly removed all over the fabric. Hyunjin slept it in, and he was too exhausted the night before to realize that he didn’t own it. It was on top of the pile, and it smelled like vanilla. 

The younger shrugs. “It smelled nice,” he replies. “‘Sides, I doubt that you’d want it back. It’s not as nice as the rest of the stuff you wear.” 

He gestures towards Changbin’s outfit. The older merely rolls his eyes. “I guess it’s fine,” he says, putting up the reluctant front. “You look better in it than I do.” 

Hyunjin suppresses an amused grin and the weird giddy feeling he gets in his stomach at Changbin’s words. “Aren’t you nervous?” he finds himself asking. “I feel like I’d be shitting my pants now, if I were in your place.” 

Outside of the fans’ online speculation, letting the unofficial announcement trend online, and the occasional teasing remark from Jisung, it feels like a small thing in the big scale of things. Though it technically is, because this is just a popular show he’s participating, and it won’t really affect the group in a big, obvious way, the real reason it feels like something that can easily be brushed under the rug is Changbin’s nonchalance towards the entire thing. Hyunjin has no doubt in his mind that if he were the one participating in We Got Married, he wouldn’t stop thinking nor shut up about it, too conscious about how his first meeting with his partner would go, too worried that he’ll screw up and do something the team wouldn’t approve of. Changbin doesn’t have any of that — brushes off their fans’ comments, takes the teasing in stride, acts like the opportunity he was given isn't worth talking about — though to be fair, he doesn’t talk much about it, as if he doesn’t even know any more than they do. 

Hyunjin is pretty sure he would’ve even forgotten about the fact that Changbin had a solo gig if not for how everyone around them still mentions it except for Changbin himself. 

Changbin sits on the edge of his bed, right beside Hyunjin’s shirts. “It’s nothing like that.” he says, and he sounds dismissive, but in a way that’s said far too quickly that Hyunjin can’t help but notice. 

Hyunjin cocks his head in question. “So you’re saying you’re nervous.”

Changbin shrugs, but it’s not necessarily denial. He scoots closer to the bed so that he can lean on the wall. “If you want the truth,” he says, glancing up at the ceiling, as if he’s purposely avoiding eye contact. “I don’t think I’m good-looking enough to be part of a program like this.”

This . . . shouldn’t actually be that surprising. We Got Married is a shallow program depicting virtual marriages, so their candidates need to look good together, which also means looking good alone. Despite the jokes that Changbin is the group’s so-called visual, the public has criticized his appearance more than once, especially compared to the rest of the members, which the industry has all declared model-worthy in their own right. It’s not really a sore subject for the other, but Hyunjin doubts that just because he doesn’t take it to heart as much as other things, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. 

It also doesn’t mean Hyunjin doesn’t expect it, because Changbin has been maintaining a front of indifference regarding the matter to the point where it’s hard for Hyunjin to really reconcile with the fact that there is something about the whole thing that affects Changbin in a not so positive way. Of course, there’s a part of Changbin that still cares; Hyunjin feels slightly stupid for not considering it, for forgetting that his hyung is human too. 

“But you’re still pushing through with the program anyway.” Hyunjin notes. 

Again, Changbin shrugs before he stands up, straightening his clothes even though they aren’t creased. “Does it matter?” He takes one last glance at Hyunjin’s shirts, and then picks up the red shirt with a faded print of a car. Hyunjin doesn’t remember why his mom gave him this. “Wear this. Isn’t this a hand-me-down from your dad?”

Changbin is— he’s right, actually. Hyunjin can’t believe Changbin is the one who recalls it first, because even if he did tell Changbin about it, it’s not like the younger to usually forget. “Yeah,” he says, taking the shirt from the other. “Thanks.”

“Wish I could go today,” Changbin says. “To film the 9th.”

“That makes one of us.” Hyunjin replies. “I think I’d give up anything to not have to deal with a hyperactive Jisung loaded on sugar and caffeine because of ‘Lix.”

“I’ll pay for your next midnight snack run if Jisung crashes near the end of the shoot.” Changbin bargains. “He keeps on trying to convince me that all he needs is enough sugar to function at full capacity instead of exercise.”

“We can’t all be muscle freaks like you and Minho-hyung though,” Hyunjin comments. Changbin scoffs playfully at that, and it’s ridiculously easy, for the serious mood they just shared to lighten. 

But there’s still that line of tension in Changbin’s shoulders that hasn’t subsided, just tried to keep itself covered, and Hyunjin realizes that he can’t let their conversation end like this, even if he thinks it’s way too early in the morning for them to be opening up to one another about something a bit sensitive. Hyunjin doesn’t typically have the brain capacity for that kind of comprehension and skill, so he’s surprised that Changbin has it in the first place. A result of being nervous, probably, which means that whatever Hyunjin will say in reply will affect Changbin in a way that’s bigger than what the younger wants. 

“Hyung, I think you’ll do great.” Hyunjin says, blurting out the thing that comes to mind. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean it, because the reality is that Changbin didn’t back down from the proposal to join We Got Married despite that mindset, despite thinking that he isn’t good enough to be part, despite that insecurity that should be holding him back, making him decline the offer instead of agreeing, because Hyunjin is certain that if he were in his shoes, he might’ve done just that. “You’re attractive, even if not everyone can appreciate it.”

But as he says it, his first time to reassure Changbin for something objectively shallow and small in the bigger scheme of things, he realizes that he actually means it. Changbin  _ is _ handsome, even without the makeup, even without the fancy clothes, because Hyunjin remembers the quiet nights they used to share back when they were trainees, sleeping side by side and opening up murmured secrets to one another, the early mornings where they were already sweating in the dance room just to nail a choreography, and he remembers how Changbin looked then, thinks about how he looks now. Handsome, always has been, though not in the way that’s immediately noticeable to the untrained eye. 

“And you’re brave,” Hyunjin adds. The elder looks at him incredulously. “For not letting something like that stop you.”

Changbin gapes at him for a few seconds, shell-shocked and clearly not expecting the words. He opens his mouth to say something, but then he closes it shut, apparently thinking better of it. “Thanks.” he says instead, a bit awkwardly, but it’s okay, because that’s probably what Hyunjin deserves for dumping something so sentimental to the other at this hour, when Hyunjin isn’t particularly  _ known  _ to be that comforting or wise-type. “And I think I better get going.”

Hyunjin shrugs. “Okay.”

Changbin nods, like he can’t think of anything better to do. He makes his way to the door, but then stops, and leans forward to press a quick kiss to Hyunjin’s cheek. Then he leaves— out of the room, then out of the dorm. Distantly, Hyunjin hears Jisung chirp a playful  _ goodbye  _ to Changbin, but he doesn’t hear the elder’s reply. 

The thing is, Changbin always tries to kiss him, both in the safety of their privacy and when they’re on camera, and Hyunjin always manages to evade it because he always kind of expects it, whenever Changbin would get silent out of nowhere and just stare at Hyunjin, as if he’s in the midst of coming up with a brilliant idea and he’s hyping himself up to push through with it. This is a first; he doesn’t remember the last time Changbin has managed to successfully kiss him— his birthday last year, probably, but that was only because Changbin had been hugging him and Felix, Jisung, and Seungmin surprised the both of them by tackling them to the ground. 

Hyunjin rubs his cheek. The kisses have always been out of playfulness, so Changbin probably doesn’t mean anything by it. 

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it throughout the entire day as they film for the first episode of the 9th, and when they split into pairs and are even for once, it only makes Hyunjin feel Changbin’s absence a lot more strongly. 

* * *

Things pick up and become hectic once more amidst reality show filming, music stages, and fansigns. In between schedules, Changbin continues the shooting for We Got Married. Hyunjin has no idea why management thought it was a good idea for Changbin to participate in the show right in the middle of comeback season, but Changbin hasn’t complained about it once, during the rare times the members actually get to see him — which only really happen to be during car rides home, because Changbin either comes just in time or late to their events, with just enough time to change before they have to go; when they’re at home, the first thing Changbin does after washing up is pass out on the couch — so Hyunjin doesn’t really have any right to protest on the other’s behalf. 

The members find out more about what Changbin has exactly been doing through the release of his first episode rather than from Changbin himself. The girl he’s been paired with is named Yoon Hyeri, a fellow idol who belongs in the group called Fever Dream, but they’re from a small company and Hyunjin has never seen them in music shows, nor heard a single song of theirs from the radio. Their music is EDM-heavy, and it’s not bad in the slightest, but objectively, Hyunjin sees why they haven’t stood out yet, especially when girl groups are trying more and more to deviate from the typical cutesy and schoolgirl scene. 

The first episode tells the audience more about her than Changbin, mostly because her group is more obscure, and it saves Hyunjin the time he would’ve used to search up on her. Hyeri is the same age as Changbin, and she used to be a model, which makes sense as to why she’s the designated face of the group. Hyunjin gets it; she’s incredibly pretty, even with a boyish haircut — something Hyunjin has always thought made girls less attractive, except she makes it  _ work _ — and in all her pictures has that kind of confident look in her eyes that he knows Changbin would definitely be attracted to. 

(The moment the thought slips into Hyunjin’s mind, he immediately does his best to shake it off. We Got Married isn’t a match-making site, though he knows that the creators hope to make legitimate couples with the show. And besides, he doesn’t like entertaining the thought. He doesn’t remember the last time Changbin has ever expressed attraction to anyone, but it didn’t disturb him as much as the thought does now. Hyunjin chalks it up to being a lot closer to Changbin than he was before, and therefore more conscious as to Changbin’s taste in women.)

The premise of the first episode works like this: Hyeri is the one who gets introduced first, because she’s been given the task of finding out who her husband is from the employees in a restaurant she’s eating in. Changbin is one of the waiters there, but he doesn’t really stand out because the rest of the workers are also celebrity-looking, and all of them are acting incredibly sweet towards her, though Hyunjin thinks Changbin is the only actual idol among them.

They film both sides of the story, with Hyeri having a crisis as to who her husband could be and Changbin worriedly wondering whether or not she’ll find out who he is. Hyunjin is certain that Hyeri isn’t acting, and though he thinks that Changbin  _ is  _ in the start, he realizes halfway through the episode that he isn’t, that his concern and stress are genuine. Hyunjin is faintly reminded about Changbin back in the survival show, where they exaggerated a lot of stuff for dramatic value, but never their trepidation, which never needed to be played up because it always weighed down on them. 

In the end, Hyeri manages to guess her husband right, and when they go behind-the-scenes and the staff asks why, she says it’s because of the way he smiled at her when she asked for a cake for dessert. 

(“Ah, who knew that hyung was so smooth." Jeongin remarked, when the members were watching the first episode in the waiting room. Changbin was coming in late at the time, and they wanted to finish watching the episode so they could tease him about it when he got there, but by the time he arrived, they had to go to the stage. 

"Nah," Jisung said. "He got nervous. He's just lucky that his wife is a romantic. Right, Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin didn’t reply, too stuck on how Jisung called Hyeri Changbin's  _ wife _ . And even though it was technically true, at least in this context, where they’re living out a virtual marriage, it didn’t mean Hyunjin liked the sound of it.

In the end, Hyunjin just said, "Isn't she technically his fiance? They just met, after all.")

The second episode picks up on where they left off in the first, with Hyeri and Changbin still in the restaurant, where they’ve been given the mission of making and cooking a three-course meal that would serve as the food for their wedding reception, but they have to cook it and give it to the head chef of the restaurant first to get his critique and approval to use it. The activity is long and kind of a mess, and though Changbin is considered one of the worst cooks among the group, he’s the one who takes charge, since Hyeri is way more hopeless than he is. They use recipes that Hyunjin didn’t even know Changbin knew how to make until the older reveals in the behind-the-scenes segment that he actually made an active effort to learn recipes like that in case they had to do a mission that involved him cooking beforehand. Hyunjin wonders when Changbin had the time to do that, because he hasn’t seen Changbin near their kitchen stove for the past two months. 

Changbin still keeps on screwing up during the process though, and Hyunjin would feel mortified on his behalf for how he’s practically embarrassing himself if not for the fact that Hyeri just seems to find his idiocy hilarious. 

The commentators watching the couple say that Hyeri and Changbin match well despite not actually knowing much about one another, since they’ve had to do activity after activity instead of getting to sit down and really talk. 

In fansigns, it’s all the fans keep on asking and talking about. At some point the questions get repetitive, but Changbin doesn’t seem to mind it, answering the same things every time with the same amount of patience and laid back personality he’s known for. Only four episodes have been released so far — Hyunjin hasn’t watched them all — but Changbin has a lot of anecdotes to share with the fans about the filming. 

During one fansign, a fan says it’s her birthday. From the stage, Changbin says he’ll do something for her, but it has to be doable and easy, and she asks that he reenact an iconic scene from Episode 2 that he did with Hyeri, the one where she was trying the food and some of it smeared on her face, some strands of hair falling down from her ponytail at the same time. Changbin had thumbed her cheek to wipe away the food and fixed her hair for her without hesitation. He got immense praise for that from the commentators, saying how he was such a gentleman, and Hyeri admitted to the camera later on how flustered the gesture made her. Hyunjin is a bit amazed by how the other is so lax about it, that it was Hyeri who got embarrassed when she wasn't the one who actually did anything; if Hyunjin ever did that, he’d freak out about his own abrupt boldness right after. 

Maybe that’s the reason as to why Changbin was chosen to be part of We Got Married, amidst all the members in Stray Kids. 

Changbin agrees to the fan’s request, then turns to the members. “‘Lix,” he says. “Come here.”

Felix approaches Changbin cautiously, but Hyunjin can see him a lot better than the fans can since he’s also onstage, leaning his weight on the table beside Chan, and there’s a bounce in Felix’s step, revealing how excited he actually is even though they’re about to do something disgusting. It’s probably a Felix thing. A Felix-when-he’s-around-Changbin thing. Changbin could be doing the most boring thing in history and Felix would look at him like he’s the creator of Overwatch or something. 

(“Out of all of us, Changbin-hyung is probably the only one who Felix really considers his best friend.” Seungmin had said, when Hyunjin mentioned it once. “It’s only natural Felix would look at him like that.”

Except as he was saying those words, Hyunjin had a feeling that Seungmin knew as well as he did that it was more complicated than that. They just didn’t want to acknowledge it, not when Changbin and Felix haven’t either.)

When Felix is close enough to Changbin, the latter declares into the microphone that he’ll start. It’s quiet for a few moments, everyone holding their breath in anticipation for Changbin to reenact the scene. For a second, Hyunjin thinks Changbin is going to get embarrassed and not be able to do it, but it must be a sign of how he’s grown these past few months that he doesn’t do any of that, and instead confidently leans his face forward so that they’re only a few inches apart and reaches out a hand towards Felix, thumbing his cheeks gently to wipe away imaginary dirt before tucking a loose strand of his dyed-black hair behind his ear. 

They maintain eye contact the entire time, Changbin’s gaze practically boring into the younger, which is why Felix giggles loudly into the microphone, obviously abashed as he pulls back first. Predictably, the fans go crazy. Hyunjin wishes he hadn’t seen the entire thing. 

From the sidelines of the stage, where the rest of the members have vacated in order to let Changbin and Felix have their drama-worthy moment, they yell in secondhand embarrassment and make pained expressions. 

Changbin simply grins before turning to the fans. “How was it?” he asks them, full of mirth. “Was it handsome?”

The audience area is full of noise, a chorus agreement of “ _ yes! _ ” and squeals. Changbin looks satisfied with himself and Hyunjin wants to wipe the smirk off his face. 

“You guys are too nice to him.” Hyunjin comments, getting the microphone from Chan. “What part of that was handsome?”

“You know, this dongsaeng really doesn’t appreciate anything I do.” Changbin tells the audience, pointing at Hyunjin. Then he turns to the younger man and walks towards him. “Maybe he’s only like that because he needs a little proof?”

Changbin tries standing a little taller and puckers his lips obnoxiously, attempting to kiss Hyunjin as he moves closer to the younger. This time though, because he knows what Changbin is going to do, he leans back in time to avoid the other, and pushes him away, though Changbin quickly wraps an arm around Hyunjin’s shoulder in retaliation and manages to give a sloppy kiss to the younger’s cheek. Majority of the members fake-vomit while Hyunijn instinctively slaps Changbin on the arm for that, except Changbin just grins at him cheekily. The fans scream. 

Beside them, Chan lets out a long-suffering sigh. 

* * *

In the car ride home together, Hyunjin and Changbin occupy the same vehicle. They’re usually all passed out by now from exhaustion, but for some reason, today has left them in still high enough spirits to stay conscious. Though the two of them typically sit beside each other in the farthest row, this time, Hyunjin is seated beside the driver while Seungmin is all the way in the back with Changbin. Seungmin is watching something on his phone while Minho and Jeongin have been heckling their main rapper for the past twenty minutes about Hyeri. 

For some reason, it annoys Hyunjin. He wishes he could imitate Seungmin and preoccupy himself with his phone, but it’s currently dead, and it’s too noisy for him to sleep. 

Changbin doesn’t seem irritated at their incessant interrogation, but Hyunjin doesn’t fail to notice how he only gives the others vague answers, stuff they already know from the show. Minho and Jeongin don’t seem to mind though, more intent on using the reused information coming from Changbin’s mouth to tease him about it. 

“The few romantic moments aside, you aren’t really touchy with Hyeri-sshi,” Jeongin comments. “The commentators were even saying that you were too conservative with her. You don’t really make sense sometimes. You aren’t even like that with other girls.”

“How do you know that?” Minho asks. 

“I’ve seen hyung with Ryujin. They have this weird handshake-chest bump thing they do every time they see one another.” Jeongin explains. “But when it comes to us, hyung, you’re too over the top! You need to stop being so clingy to us; it’s  _ embarrassing _ .”

“Calm down, Innie.” Changbin says. “I’m just playing it up for the fans so it looks like we’re close.”

“Are you implying that we aren’t?” Minho demands, affronted. 

Changbin rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

Hyunjin does. Though the way they act in front of fans has never been a lie, it’s never to the extent they show in public, and it’s not like they  _ all  _ do it. For most of them, the way they are to outsiders is how they are in actuality. Changbin just happens to be one of the few members who really exaggerate their behaviour for the sake of STAYs, the one who actively does fanservice, always tries his best to cater to what they want rather than refuse them like some of the others do when the fans are on the verge of crossing the line. 

The overly touchy act he puts up is something that only really came about after their debut (he was a lot more reserved with his affection back in his trainee days, Hyunjin recalls), because the fans love it, and it’s always been an open secret— the fact that Changbin feels indebted to the fans. It’s not like it necessarily came out nowhere; they all owe it to the fans for being the reason why they emerged from the survival show as nine, the reason Stray Kids are who they are today, but Changbin takes in this certitude a lot more personally than the rest, the same way Chan does. He feels the burden more heavily, because he wasn’t enough to prevent the eliminations from even happening, as if anyone expected him to have that sort of power in the first place. 

(At first, Hyunjin hadn’t understood it. For Chan— it made sense. He was their leader, the one who recruited them all into the team and made them into one. But there’s also the fact that Changbin was the one who received the most praise from JYP during the entire run of the survival show when the rest were either ignored or belittled for not being good enough; they were met with exclamations of disappointment and harsh criticism while he was continuously applauded for doing excellently. Guilt was born and grew from there, topped off with the powerless feeling of not being able to stop Minho and Felix from being eliminated despite all his supposed talent, and though the two worked hard when they were given a second chance, it was the fans, in the end, that became the deciding factor for the fate of the group. 

“I’ll never forget that.” Changbin had told him once, under the dim light of their living room, two empty bottles of soju between them, rolling around the table and clinking upon making contact with one another. “That they’re worth everything, because they gave me everything.” 

It’s something he carries with him to this day, something he won’t ever acknowledge aloud but lives out studiously. It’s a bit disconcerting, but it doesn’t change how Hyunjin admires him terribly for it.)

It’s called an idol persona — Hyunjin remembers Chan telling the group once, something he learned from Bambam — what Changbin has. It’s getting less common with artists nowadays because fans are slowly becoming a lot more accepting of the humanity of idols, but it doesn’t mean it ceased to exist. Idols would have two different personalities: the one for the public eye to see, and the one that is only for the members, family, the revelation of one’s true colors, though the two aren’t necessarily opposites. 

Hyunijn knows that Changbin is one of those idols with two selves. He’s the annoyingly doting hyung who gets offended easily because the members are always picking on him, who puts up a front of being dark and brooding when he’s one of the softest people to exist, who is good at not caring for what people think. He’s also the one who is the most laid back, the one who makes unfunny jokes and is terrible at breaking the ice, the one who always tries his best to please others. 

There has always been a split to his character, even if it was never too definitive and separate. But the more Hyunjin thinks about it, the more he realizes that he finds the line drawn between those two personalities blurred, like he can’t tell if Changbin is all of those things in reality or are none of them in truth, if they’re switching places or blending together over time. 

At first, Hyunjin doesn’t think that’s actually possible. But then he remembers the way Changbin kissed him on the first shooting day of We Got Married back in the dorm, and thinks about how the other kissed him during the fansign, and he feels unsure. 

* * *

In his room, Hyunjin finds that he can’t sleep. Usually, the soft sounds of Woojin’s snores would help him drift off, but he only feels more restless at the noise, itching to do something instead of staring up at the ceiling. 

After a few minutes, he leaves the room, newly charged phone in hand. Though there’s no one in the living room, the light is still on, meaning that some of the members haven’t gone home yet. It’s probably someone from 3RACHA, likely having gone to the studio the moment they got back instead of remaining in the dorm. Hyunjin has a split-second thought of going to the building to practice, but he doesn’t really want to change clothes, and leaving would mean he has to tell one of the members, and he doesn’t want to disturb their sleep. 

He opens his phone, scrolling through his apps for something to do, and his finger finds itself hovering over the Twitter icon. He presses the app. 

It’s not hard to find tweets talking about today’s fansign, even if all fansigns are similar to one another enough that sometimes the members have days where they forget which is which and what happened where. 

The ones that stand out in particular though, especially because it’s been said enough that there’s it’s own hashtag for it, are the ones that say  _ “changlix”  _ and  _ “changjin _ ”. It takes Hyunjin a while for him to realize that they’re the labels the fans have given for their ships. “ _ Changlix _ ” is for Changbin and Felix. “ _ Changjin”  _ is for Changbin and Hyunjin. 

**nat** @awksilencemv

did you see how happy felix looked when changbin tenderly touched him??? changlix is so loud this cb season

**owo zone** @inchanszone

changbin got to kiss hyunjin on the cheek even tho hyunjin was trying to avoid it TT___TT i love them changjin are the best push and pull ship ever

**Lucy** @kingwoojin

changlix hasn’t died yet fuck the haters

_ in reply to @kingwoojin  _   
**100 days with stray kids!** @happyhyunsung

who tf is hating theyre literally the most popular ship w changbin

_ in reply to @happyhyunsung _ **  
** **check pinned** @ilyongbok00s

uh not to drop some names but (changjin shippers)

_ in reply to @ilyongbok00s _   
**Minnie** @leeminwhos

we havent been doing jackshit? yall are just insercure 

_ in reply to @leeminwhos _   
**check pinned** @ilyongbok00s

spoken like a true anti-changlix

_ in reply to @ilyongbok00s _   
**Minnie** @leemiwhos

why am i anti-changlix

_ in reply to @leeminwhos _   
**check pinned** @ilyongbok00s

Look . as long as u ship changbin with anyone other than lix ur a changlix hater … its that simple

“Hyunjin.” 

Hyunjin snaps his head up, quickly putting down his phone. It’s Chan, who Hyunjin hadn’t even noticed returned. He wonders how long Chan has been there, makeup gone and looking worse for wear from exhaustion, except Hyunjin recognizes the look of peace on the leader’s face, the kind that’s said that he‘s accomplished something he’s proud of. 

“Stop reading that.” Chan says sternly, which basically answers Hyunjin's question. Long enough for him to see what Hyunjin has been doing. Judging from the look on his face though, the older probably thinks he had been reading hate comments, despite the fact that Hyunjin, surprisingly, hasn’t done that in a long time. 

“Sorry.” Hyunjin replies anyway.

Chan just sighs, and then pats Hyunjin on the shoulder. “Go back to sleep. We have to get up early tomorrow.” 

Chan leaves him in the living room. Hyunjin turns his phone around, and dutifully closes the app before shutting the lights and heading back to his room with Woojin. Even though he dreams of nothing but a thoughtless darkness, when he wakes up, the first thing that comes to mind are the comments. 


	2. Chapter 2

Management had asked them to perform one of their b-sides for next week’s music show live, but it’s one of the songs that don’t have any choreography to it. For a while, they contemplate on singing it without any dance moves, but because the track is EDM-heavy, it’s an option that quickly gets removed. They’ve grown skilled enough for the company to stop giving them an official choreographer unless it’s for their title tracks, so Minho, Felix, and Hyunjin had to put down their ideas on formation and movements to match the beat. They spend the entire morning on that, and miraculously manage to finish everything, so all they need to do is put things to action. 

They’re technically cramming the dance, and though it isn’t their fault that the announcement came late, they’re all feeling the pressure, and it’s the reason why Chan and Minho aren’t in the best of moods. 

They start practicing by six, having a ridiculously early four pm dinner, and it’s past midnight by the time they’re given their first ever break. 

“One hour.” Chan instructs. “And I suggest you all take something to stay awake, because we aren’t leaving anytime soon.”

Everyone disperses from there. Minho and Jisung linger by the corner of the room to give each other back massages. Felix coaxes Changbin into going with him to the convenience store two blocks away from the building. Jeongin is lying down on the floor, spread out and panting heavily, and Seungmin holds two portable fans to him, like he’s trying to keep the younger alive. Chan joins Jisung and Minho because he wants a massage too, and Woojin leaves with the promise to get them some drinks to whoever wants by the vending machines. 

Hyunjin doesn’t know how long he just stands there, watching everyone, but eventually he decides to head down to ease his restlessness. The elevator ride is quiet and lonely, but he doesn’t mind. But it’s a long way down from the tenth floor to the ground, and soon the air gets hot and stifling, making him all the more eager to get out. 

Except when he gets out and makes a move to leave the corridor, he hears the familiar voices of his bandmates coming from the lobby. He stops by the corner and takes a peak. It’s Changbin and Felix, talking in the middle of the waiting area. There’s no one around and within earshot besides them and a guard by the reception desk, but there are headphones covering his ears and Hyunjin recognizes him as the one who usually plays Solitaire on the PC. In Changbin and Felix’s hands are the plastic bags from the convenience store, but they don’t look like they’re in a hurry to head back up anytime soon. 

“Tell me, hyung.” Felix is saying, and his voice sounds awfully tender, like he’s about to ask something particularly sensitive. It’s why Hyunjin doesn’t take a step forward and makes his presence known. “Why were you the one who got asked to be part of We Got Married?” 

Hyunjin freezes. He didn’t expect that— didn’t think that there was anything deeper to Changbin joining We Got Married besides what it already was on the surface. Is this why the elder has never talked about it unless he was asked? Hyunjin simply chalked it up to Changbin being _Changbin_ , who never really did actively talk about himself the same way some of the others did, but Hyunjin realizes that he might be wrong. That there’s something Felix had caught on about Changbin that Hyunjin hadn’t, and the thought doesn’t sit well with him. Changbin doesn’t say anything for a while, and even though Hyunjin can’t properly look at them without the risk of getting caught, he knows that it’s because the older is hesitating. As each second passes with silence, Hyunjin’s dread grows. 

“The board brought it up with me.” Changbin eventually says. There’s a white plastic stick poking out of his lips; a lollipop, pushed to the side of his mouth so that he can talk a lot clearer. Hyunjin figures it must be small by now, because Changbin's voice sounds normal. The stick moves up and down, the only thing to indicate his unease. “They said it would boost my attractiveness to the public.”

 _What the fuck_ , Hyunjin thinks, just as Felix exclaims the same words in disbelief. But Hyunjin remembers Changbin opening up about his insecurity of not being good-looking enough to really qualify for the program, and the dots start to connect. His confession was in relation to this. 

“It wasn’t like I didn't have the option of saying no.” Changbin continues to talk. “And I didn’t want to do it, at the start. But then they were talking more about it, that if I said no, it won’t only possibly affect my popularity with the fans and public, but also the group’s as well. Outside activities are basically required. Idols are pouring in left and right, and talent isn’t enough to get by anymore. You need good looks and charm too, and if I couldn’t have the former, at least I could get the latter, among other things, through We Got Married. They said I needed it, more than the other members.”

“Hyung,” Felix says, and Hyunjin thinks, for a second, that the younger is going to correct all of Changbin’s fucked up misconceptions about himself, the idea that he’s not good enough to be on par with the rest, when in fact it’s the complete opposite, and he’s one of the few that stand on top, that carry a big weight of the group. Except what comes out is, “What you do isn’t going to affect the group.”

“You don’t get it, ‘Lix.” Changbin shakes his head. “They’re right. We’re a team, a family, and what happens to one happens to all. A member’s scandal is the entire team’s burden; a member’s success is the entire team’s celebration.” He lets out a deep breath. “Did you know that our brand ranking has gone up for the past two months because of that? I thought management was insane at first, for putting me in We Got Married during comeback season, but it was on purpose, and it worked in our favor.” 

Brand rankings. Hyunjin doesn’t know much about brand rankings, but he faintly remembers Chan and their manager comment once or twice that they’re doing awfully better than expected for this season. Changbin is one of the key reasons as to why, it seems. “It’s almost hard to believe, how well they’ve thought these things through. We just don’t notice it, don’t appreciate what they do for us enough.”

Changbin sounds so painfully earnest, like he actually believes the shit he’s saying. Hyunjin crosses his arms, gripping onto his own bicep as if to steady himself. It’s so fucking wrong. 

“They threatened you.” replies Felix, quietly. “That’s not freedom. You didn’t really have a choice.”

Felix is right. It’s a low blow, what the board did, especially because Changbin is the type to feel guilty over too many things, so refusing and having to deal with the consequences of it would eat him alive to the point where he’d be begging for a reconsideration. Hyunjin isn’t naive enough to think that there’s such a thing as an uncorrupt company that exists in such a cut-throat industry, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel sick at the idea of management using Changbin’s sincere desire to do what’s best for the group to make him do something he doesn’t actually want. Though JYP isn’t the worst of the worst, their hands are far from clean, so it’s a bit surprising, and maybe even a little pitying, that Changbin is buying into this warped mindset that the board is doing what’s best for them when it’s really for their own selfish desire, that he thinks he’s being offered a choice and is thankful to the higher-ups for something they didn’t even truly give. 

Changbin is quiet. “‘Lix,” he says. “Better to have an illusion of something rather than none at all.”

Hyunjin curls his hold on his arm a little tighter. Changbin sounds so fucking exhausted, and Hyunjin — naive enough for a second to think that _Changbin_ was naive, when he has always known a little more than them despite how they went through almost everything together — doesn’t know what to do about it. 

“Besides, it’s not just because of that, why I said I’d do it.” Changbin tells Felix. “It was because of Hyeri.”

 _Hyeri?_ “Hyeri?” Felix echoes. 

“I knew about her even before I agreed. The board gave me a little debrief about her group and situation while they were bringing up the proposal; I think it was their way of convincing me to say yes.”

Hyunjin frowns. “Situation?” Felix questions. 

“Fever Dream isn’t doing great.” Changbin explains. “The company is most likely going to disband them next year, so she’s been grasping onto every solo activity there is so she can stay afloat even when things come crashing down.”

Changbin’s phrasing— “So she’s jumping ship.” Felix concludes. 

“Basically.”

“. . . _Fuck._ ”

“Yeah.”

Silence. Felix says, “Can I ask you something?” 

“What?”

“Are you in love with her?” 

Hyunjin feels his breath catch in his throat, and realizes that he should go. It’s too much; he’s eavesdropped long enough. Felix starts to say something else, and Hyunjin doesn’t catch Changbin’s reply, because he’s already leaving. 

Instead of heading back to the dance room, Hyunjin has the elevator take him to the floor above it. It’s empty, as usual, because there’s only one large room in the entire floor, which is meant for the staff and consists of cubicles inside. There’s a small hallway that only has the entrance to the staff room and the bathroom, which is where Hyunjin decides to stay, sitting down on the floor and leaning against the wall. Hyunjin used to go here a lot as a trainee, during the days when he wasn’t confident about debuting but didn’t want to deal with those kinds of thoughts back in the dorms, where he couldn’t dwell on them alone. When Stray Kids debuted, coming here became a scarce event because he just didn’t have the time, but it’s nice to know that the place hasn’t changed, that the solitude it provides still eases the gruelling thoughts in Hyunjin’s head and calms down any sort of agitation he may get in his bones. 

Hyunjin doesn’t know how long he just sits there, eyes closed, turning his mind into a blank state but also not falling asleep in the process, until he hears the elevator _ding_ , and he opens his eyes to see Changbin coming out. 

His gaze immediately softens when he spots Hyunjin. It makes Hyunjin want to push away everything he heard from the conversation downstairs. Let him forget about it, at least for a few minutes. “Knew I’d find you here,” the older says.

In the plastic bag, there are two drinks. One of them is Hyunjin’s favorite brand of coffee, the hot kind. Changbin always said he was weird for wanting hot drinks when they’re sweating buckets because of practice, when the normal thing was to want something cold, but it hadn’t stopped him from getting it for Hyunjin anyway.

When Hyunjin gets ahold of it, it’s not as painfully hot as he expects it to be. He glances at Changbin, even though he kind of figures that the reason for it is because Changbin and Felix had a prolonged conversation earlier, but the elder simply shrugs. “Probably cooled down a bit ‘cause of this.” And then he shakes his own can, a cold energy drink. 

It’s still warm, in the end, so Hyunjin chooses not to complain. It still tastes good anyway. He chugs down a third of the drink before lowering it and saying, “What happened to Felix?”

“Left him behind. Said I wanted to take a breather. He would’ve followed, but I told him I was going to you, so he went back.”

“A breather inside the building?”

“Yup.”

Hyunjin tries not to snicker but fails. It’s like an inside joke of theirs. This place was like their little hideout, at the time, years ago, before debut, before they got to know the rest of the members and he only knew Changbin. Though Hyunjin is sure the only times Changbin ever went up here was because of Hyunjin, the one who “discovered” it in the first place, it was still something he kind of considered _theirs_ regardless. “ _Taking a breather_ ” for them has always been less about getting air and more like finding a quiet, bare place to themselves to serve as some sort of makeshift safe haven, which is what this floor has become to them. Trainees don’t typically go here because there has always been a clear segregation among wannabe performers and common office workers, but Hyunjin and Changbin have never viewed themselves as “typical”.

Changbin continues to drink. Hyunjin watches him, the way his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows the liquid, before his eyes trail to the beverage in itself. It’s the same energy drink he always gets— some sort of fruity, peach-tasting fizzy thing that personally makes Hyunjin feel bloated — except it makes the younger remember that Changbin gave the same drink to Hyeri in their latest episode of We Got Married, where they went on their official first date. Hyunjin remembers Hyeri finding the drink good, much to the surprise of all the members who had seen the episode, because they all know how it tastes, and how Changbin’s literally the only one who not only stomachs the tastes, but genuinely likes it. 

(“They’re meant to be.” Jisung breathes out in amazement.

“That’s horrifying.” Minho deadpans.)

“You know,” Hyunjin starts, mind too slow to catch onto what his mouth is saying. “You’re probably the only guy I know who would think that taking a girl out to a VR Cafe is a good idea for a first date.”

“Fuck off.” Changbin says without feeling. “She said she wanted a fun date, not necessarily a romantic one." 

It turned out romantic anyway. They clung onto one another during the horror simulations and held hands when Hyeri was trying out a bungee jumping VR and Changbin had to guide her. At some point during their shooting game simulation, Hyeri accidentally fell on top of him, but sprawled on the ground, Changbin had only laughed amusedly and petted her hair the same way he did for the younger members, an undeniably fond expression on his face. 

He maintained his cool demeanor even during the behind-the-scenes interviews with the black backdrop. Hyunjin can't tell if it's an act or not anymore. 

Afterwards, Changbin and Hyeri had bought food from the street markets, and Changbin got his stupid energy drink from the convenience store while Hyeri went to look for something sweet to eat. They shared food and talked about rapping, of all things, because she was Fever Dream’s lead rapper, but didn’t have that much confidence in her skill. Changbin gave her some advice, teaching her the trick to pronunciation and directing one’s voice and volume. Hyunjin remembered when Changbin helped him with rapping back in their survival show, and it was so eerily similar to the point where it felt like the editors and director copy-pasted the footage and replaced Hyunjin with Hyeri. 

There was nothing really spectacular about their date, something even the commentators mentioned, but Hyeri and Changbin mixed so well together and seemed to genuinely like one another’s company so much that it made them on par with all the other couples who had the grandest of the gestures and gave the show the best ratings, partly because of how they look cute together and more because they were popular in their own right. Changbin and Hyeri have legitimate chemistry, and it’s serving as their selling point for the joint of the show. 

It’s a bit unnerving to see, mostly because when Changbin is with them, he doesn’t talk about Hyeri _at all_ unless they ask. 

( _It’s just lying_ . _It’s just playing pretend._ The voice in Hyunjin’s head whispers again, except it doesn’t clarify which is the facade.

 _Shut up._ He wants to say aloud, but Changbin is with him, and he’ll think Hyunjin is insane when he hasn’t actually said anything worth shutting up for.)

“I know that you heard.” Changbin says at last, acknowledging the elephant in the room that Hyunjin has been denying exists. 

Changbin sounds like he feels bad for the fact, as if he didn’t want the younger to even know. Hyunjin doesn’t like it; the idea that there are things Changbin is keeping from Hyunjin, that he’s reluctant to tell him about, because they’re supposed to be close. The stuff about Hyeri— Hyunjin doesn’t mind Changbin’s lack of desire to really talk about it, because Hyunjin doesn’t really want to hear it anyway; it sounds weird, almost wrong, somehow, in a way he can’t explain besides the fact that it might just be because of the fact that it’s virtual, playing pretend. But this is different. Hyunjin _wants_ to know. 

“The stuff you said,” Hyunjin starts. “About Hyeri. That couldn’t have been on-camera; you couldn’t have known all that from her from the board alone.” It’s too personal, after all. 

Changbin doesn’t nod, but Hyunjin doesn’t need confirmation to know that he’s right. “We talk a lot, outside of filming.” the older one admits. “The staff says a lot of We Got Married couples don’t do more besides small talk once the cameras are gone, but we’re one of the few exceptions. It’s probably why . . . our relationship looks the way it does.”

“Like you two could actually fall in love?” Hyunjin blurts. 

Changbin snorts. “So you heard Felix’s question then,” he says. “I don’t like her in that way though.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with you if you do.” Hyunjin replies, though they feel like words he’s obligated to say, rather than ones he genuinely means. Immediately, he feels terrible; why can’t he muster any sincerity?

“Maybe, but— that’s not the point. That’s not what I’m trying to say.” Changbin says. “She told me she gave up too much to debut to just quit. Being part of We Got Married is getting her offers to return to the modelling scene, and she has the potential to be a great rapper, so the company might keep her until she improves and joins Unpretty Rapstar.” Changbin swallows. “At first, I thought I just felt bad for her. Sympathy, because that isn’t what I’m dealing with. Stray Kids is doing well, after all. But— I don’t know. There’s this part of me that empathizes, that shares the same fear of losing everything, because it can always happen; you never know with these things. So I wanted to help her, in any way I could. If I was in her shoes, I’d want someone to do the same.” 

Hyunjin gets why Changbin is afraid, even if it’s for naught because Stray Kids really _is_ doing incredibly well and every member contributes something significant enough that they can’t afford to lose anyone. The idol industry is fickle, ever-changing and always advancing. Artists and groups have a shelf life, and some are discarded even before they reach that point because they don’t make any impact on the music scene. It’s easy to be forgotten and harder to become something worth remembering, even if for just a second. And even if their group is at their peak, the fall from grace would be fast and far too easy to do. Changbin is afraid to fade away. And they all are, naturally, but Changbin has such a high level of empathy that he feels what others feel to such a strong extent that he ends up carrying the weight of their baggage along with his own. Some kind of stupid self-sacrificing hero complex, where he thinks he’s responsible for fixing everyone’s problems. 

“Is that what We Got Married has become to you?” Hyunjin asks. “The same thing it is to Hyeri.” Like some kind of lifeboat. Like a saving grace. 

“I mean, it’s not like I think my career’s over in a year or so.” Changbin says plainly. “But— I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t see it as that, but maybe that’s what it is, what it’ll become, years later when I look back. I don’t know what the future holds.” He brings up his knees closer to his chest. “It’s wrong, isn’t it? But I can’t help but think about it. Nothing is for certain.” 

Hyunjin thinks of Hyeri, and wonders if Stray Kids will ever reach a time when things become that drastic, when they need to stand on their own in the idol world in order to survive because the band just isn’t enough anymore. He wonders if they’ll reach that point in time when the group will feel like a sinking ship rather than the reliable anchor that keeps them grounded. He doesn’t think Changbin is wrong for thinking like that, but maybe the only reason he’s okay with it is because he can’t really wrap his head around it in the first place. 

“It must be scary.” Hyunjin confesses, for lack of anything better to say. “I don’t ever want to feel like I’m dragging down the group.” 

“You would never.” Changbin insists quickly. “There is nothing you would ever do that would drag the group down.” Then, he hesitates. “Or at least, for me. You could never drag me down.” 

It’s comforting, the things the elder tells him, but Hyunjin can’t help but think about how that would be a comment that would’ve made fans swoon if they ever heard Changbin say it, how they’d take his sincere words into some romantic context that fuels their shipping fantasies and whatnot. Hyunjin probably wouldn’t take him so seriously if they were in that situation; he might even hate it. 

“I’ve been talking too much.” Changbin finally says. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Hyunjin has been doing too much thinking for the past couple of weeks, slowly transcending into months. He’s always been an overthinker in general, but lately, it’s worse than before, a lot more overwhelming, a lot more all-consuming and mood dampening. 

He should really stop. But it feels unfair that he knows the things Changbin has been doing, has been feeling — albeit with some of them being unintentional — and Changbin doesn’t know Hyunjin’s. Not that they’re as sensitive, per say, and the things Hyunjin is going through doesn’t hold a dime to Changbin’s. But he knows the older would like to know. Seungmin used to tell him that part of being a listener more than a talker meant that you always wanted to know, rather than show. Changbin has always been the former. 

“Do you ever get bothered,” Hyunjin asks tentatively. “By the things people say about you?”

Changbin raises an eyebrow, but that’s the only indicator he gives that says that he didn’t expect Hyunjin to bring that sort of thing up. “Only when they’re bad stuff about the group,” he says. “And my rapping. Everything else— no. You can’t change how other people perceive you, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin glances at Changbin, who meets his gaze evenly. “I wish I could be like you.” He admits. The elder is so self-assured, indifferent to how other people think— both with the fans and management, and when Hyunjin looks back, even when Changbin seemed to take to heart the implication of the board that he wasn’t good-looking enough, he took the situation in stride nonetheless, didn’t make a single complaint about it. Hyunjin knows that if he were in the other’s situation, he’d react poorly, throw some kind of fit. He wants to be like that, confident like his hyung, and just as self-sacrificing, thoughtful, because even with all his admissions that reveal his selfishness, it’s the selfless acts, the priority for the group, that triumph it all. 

“Do you really mean that?” Changbin asks, and Hyunjin is about to say that _yes_ , he does, but then the older says, “Is it really that you want to be like me, or are you referring to something else?”

Hyunijn frowns. “What do you mean?”

Changbin tilts his head, as if contemplating whether or not to say it. "No one looks at me the way you do." He eventually admits.

Hyunjin freezes, like he just got accused of doing something wrong, even if the only thing in his mind is confusion. "You're not making any sense, hyung." 

The reply must make Changbin realize something, because instead of explaining, he shakes his head. “Anyway, you should stop reading comments, you know.” he says. “You’ve never actually been good at dealing with them, even if you keep on telling us you’re getting better at it.” 

Hyunjin opens his mouth to defend himself, but Changbin seems intent on dominating the conversation at the moment. Hyunjin has a feeling it’s because the other doesn’t want to continue talking about it anymore. 

“The hour break is up,” Changbin says. “We should head back.” 

* * *

Hyeri and Changbin finally reach the part of the show where they’re meant to have an official wedding. 

(“I told you they were just fiances.” Hyunjin tells Jisung, except he doesn’t feel that gleeful about the fact that he’s right. “You can’t say you’re husband and wife until there’s an actual marriage.”

“Whatever,” Jisung huffs. “You do realize this is a virtual marriage, right? Anything goes.”)

It’s obviously not a traditional one, but they’re mimicking certain elements from Western-styled marriages, like bridesmaids and groomsmen, as well as the garments of the actual engaged couple. Naturally, it's composed of the members of Fever Dream and the members of Stray Kids. Hyunjin finds it rather ironic, the realization that despite how Hyeri and Changbin have been going at the pretend relationship for four months, the two groups have only met recently. 

The ceremony is framed as a concert, with the funds they’re raising from the event going to an orphanage they visited a few episodes before, where Changbin popped the question by asking the children living there to do a small performance with a proposal song that Changbin had personally made, having spent a week in the studio making it. It’s cute and heartwarming. We Got Married isn’t scripted; Hyunjin has no idea where Changbin’s coming up with all these ideas. 

Both Fever Dream and Stray Kids are going to perform a few of their original songs, plus some covers, because the boy group doesn’t have much romantic tunes, and Fever Dream as a whole is more known as a girl group with good renditions of other songs than doing their own. Hyeri and Changbin are going to do a duet — one of them is just for the sake of the wedding, and the other is a legitimate collaboration that they’re going to make a music video for and officially release after the ceremony episode airs. 

Hyunjin has actually always kind of wanted to do this sort of thing— charity concerts. He likes the idea of giving something to others, more than just writing music with their feelings and struggles embedded in the tune and releasing it. So technically speaking, he should be excited for this event. And he _is_. Genuinely. 

He could just do without all the required romantic subtext that’s required because in the end, this is a wedding ceremony, even if it’s an unconventional one. 

Fever Dream and Stray Kids prepare a shared stage together, and it’s their last performance on the set before the main couple will come in and pass through the center aisle to reach the stage, and then someone will officiate and confirm the legitimacy of the virtual marriage. The effort they’re all exerting for this sham relationship is ridiculous; Hyunjin remembers that shit like this is exactly why he hadn’t gotten past a few episodes when he watched as a trainee. 

Not that it isn’t fun though. The collaboration stage with Fever Dream is exciting, and the girls themselves have the same easygoing vibe that Hyeri has, as well as being talented performers; they just haven’t been blessed with the same opportunities, and their songs are decent, but not that catchy. It’s a bit sad, seeing this, and remembering that they’re going to disband soon, but Hyunjin refuses to dwell on it, because it’s not like he can do anything about it, and he’s not supposed to know about their fate in the first place. 

Besides performances, they play a variety of activities and interact with the audience. They do the Mystery Box Challenge, the Whisper Challenge, a bunch of other guessing games. It’s always in pairs, and it’s a given that the two groups mix with each other. Fever Dream is only composed of seven members though, and with Hyeri being pulled out of the equation because she’s obviously with Changbin, two of the Stray Kids members are left to partner with one another instead. The pairings always mix themselves up with each game, and Hyunjin has a feeling he’s the only one who doesn’t mind being partnered with one of the members rather than the girls, despite how he’s the one who gets fortunate enough to always be with someone from Fever Dream. 

It isn’t usual for Hyunjin to want to be left alone, to avoid the chance to properly talk and get to know the others, but he attributes it to him just not being in a mood to socialize. It’s obvious enough, even if he’s trying to keep it down to a minimum, but no one is calling him out for it, which is why he continues to let it stew. The members had sensed his mood well enough even without words that morning that they just let him be, but Changbin, who Hyunjin hasn’t seen for the past week — it’s a bit absurd; the only time that happens is when they’re on vacation, visiting their families — hasn’t caught on; it’s clear enough in the way he approaches him with ease during a lull in the event that has Hyeri running to her members to talk to them about something, leaving Changbin to wander back to his own group. They had been playing musical chairs earlier, so Hyunjin is seated on one of the blocks because he’s tired of standing, and Changbin hip checks him to catch his attention. 

“You know, when I used to go to weddings, whether or not you were the married couple or not, the best part of the event was always after the reception.” Changbin states, leaning closer to Hyunjin to talk, his microphone lowered so that they won’t be heard by the audience. Instinctively, Hyunjin leans back, head tucked by the other’s ribs. There’s a nagging thought in his mind that wants Changbin to sit beside him so he can rest his head on his shoulder. Even in his pristine white suit, Changbin looks comfortable for Hyunjin to nuzzle into. God, he’s more tired than he thought. “That’s when everyone takes out the alcohol.”

Hyunjin doesn’t remember the last time he held a can of beer in his hands. It was probably a month ago, when comeback season was officially over and they actually had time to properly celebrate the fact that they scored two wins in a row with their title track, “Symphony”. Hyunjin probably only had one can before calling it quits; Seungmin could only down half of one before asking Woojin to drink the rest because he couldn’t tolerate the taste any longer. 

They technically were the most sober ones in the group, but Woojin had acted so calm and collected despite drinking almost as much as Minho — who by then was lying down on the floor beside Chan, rambling about his cats — that the two 2000 liners would’ve believed his sober act if not for how he kept on mimicking Felix’s dance out of nowhere without hesitation. It was a good night, except Changbin hadn’t been there to celebrate it with them, having spent the night with Hyeri in their temporarily shared apartment. 

“But, you know, there’s no way I can do that because filming is still going to continue after this for me and Hyeri.” Changbin laments. He raises his hand, about to ruffle Hyunjin’s hair like he normally does when he feels particularly fond but not to the point of being obnoxious about it, but then thinks better of it since Hyunjin’s hair has been waxed and styled for the occasion, and just plays with the tuft of hair behind, away from audience view. It feels nice, even if he feels a bit sticky because the weather isn’t that great right now — it was an outside concert, regrettably — and he’d typically feel gross about it; Hyunjin’s eyes are tempted to flutter shut, but then Changbin stops, and reaches down to squeeze his waist. “Have a shot on my behalf later?” 

Like he’s certain that the group is going to celebrate this fake wedding as if it were a legitimate one. Changbin has always managed to make Hyunjin feel better by saying the simplest of things by virtue of being himself, the hyung who always tries to lighten up the atmosphere regardless as to whether or not it’s been darkened in the first place, but this time seems to be an exception, because it doesn’t alleviate the younger’s mood one bit. 

It probably has something to do with the fact that Hyunjin’s head is swimming with the comments of the fans that he accidentally checked out that morning, continuing the talk about the non-existent romance between Changbin and Hyunjin even though Changbin was already going through one with Hyeri. ( _“hyunjin should be the best man.”_ One says. _“man that shit sucks. there’s nothing more painful than being the best man at the wedding of your soulmate.”_ Someone will reply. And, “ _someone pls make an au about that . . . secret relationship, angst with a happy ending, slow burn, 34k.”_ Things Hyunjin doesn’t really understand but has a vague idea of enough for him to not want to know further.) 

Hyunjin swears it started out with him being unsettled by the notion of the former one, but now that he’s here, he realizes that it’s both. He’s never really been good at putting up fronts, after all. 

“Sure, hyung.” Hyunjin simply replies. 

Changbin gives him a half-smile, something unreadable in his eyes, and for a brief moment, Hyunjin has the sudden, insane thought, that Changbin is going to lean down further and kiss him. Not the playful, silly kind they do for fanservice or exaggerate their affection for one another, but the kind that’s in dramas, with want and fondness, with love and the intent to show it. 

But instead, Changbin pulls away and immediately returns to Hyeri. The moment they’re within proximity of one another, they’re already reaching for each other, like it’s instinct, the way Changbin wraps an arm around her waist and she clings onto his frame in return, fitting right into him like a completed puzzle. He leans down to whisper something in her ear, and she laughs. It’s hard to believe that it was only a few moments ago when that was Changbin and Hyunjin, having the same private conversation on the occasion of something so public. 

Hyunjin frowns and looks away. He should cut down on binge-watching TV shows with Jisung. 

(Really, he should stop reading about the things that fans say. But declining Jisung’s insistence for company when he wants to watch his dramas is a lot easier to resist than going on his phone and obsessively looking through how the fans react to whatever activity the group has for the day. Not once has Hyunjin ever exited the app completely satisfied with the majority of what the fans would have to say; it’s a lot harder to treasure the few sincerely good ones, after all, in the face of seeing all the other things he dislikes.) 

“That pouting isn’t pretty, Hyunjinnie.” Minho suddenly says, appearng by Hyunjin’s side and startling him. “You better stop.” 

Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” Then, because Changbin and Hyeri decided to have their wedding outdoors and the more the day goes on, the hotter the weather gets, “Fan?”

“Get your own.” Minho says, even though in the end, he puts the portable device right in front of Hyunjin’s face for the younger to enjoy the air. “I know you aren’t in a good mood, but you need to act like you are. It’s a wedding, not a funeral. Otherwise people will start talking.”

Funny that it’s a wedding when it feels like some kind of death sentence. The moment the thought comes to mind, Hyunjin doesn’t understand the cause for it. “I know the protocol, hyung.” he replies instead, closing his eyes.

* * *

 **Voices All Around The World** **  
**@SKZSubs

We Got Married Changbin & Hyeri Ep 23 ENG SUBS  
Summary: Changbin and Hyeri’s wedding ceremony featuring the members of Stray Kids and Fever Dream!   
_[link attached]_

550 retweets 2.9k likes

 _in reply to @SKZSubs_ **  
****Fran** @sunsungie

Hyunjin doesnt look happy. Did something happen?

 _in reply to @sunsungie_ _  
_ **mia** @heavenvator

idts? last night jeongin posted a pic on ig of hyunjin sobbing about love alarm s2 w jisung but thats it

 _in reply to @sunsungie and @heavenvator_ **  
****Lemon Boy** @changjinangst

i know what it is guys … hes jealous bc changbins officially married and its not to him

 _in reply to @changjinangst_ **  
****TMT IS UNDERRATED FACTS ONLY** @straydays

:00 ur right

 _in reply to @changjinangst_ **  
****STAN FEVER DREAM!** @yanginnie

hyeri and changbin vibe so well together ofc hyunjin is gonna feel attacked likE thats HIS man that hyeri is stealing

 _in reply to @yanginnie_ **  
****STAN FEVER DREAM!** @yanginnie

No hate to hyeri tho shes my queen <3 <3 

_in reply to @yanginnie_ **  
****dylan** @leerhino

Its ok the only person hating on her would be jinnie :P press f to pay respects

 _in reply to @3rachan_ **  
****SOL** @wannahan

F

 _in reply to @3rachan_ **  
****semi-hiatus** @VMINS0ULMATES

f

 _in reply to @changjinangst_ **  
****where is seungmins ost** @kskyhours

changjin fic writers pls churn out some marriage angst aus 

_in reply to @changjinangst and @kskyhours_ **  
****put minho in hit the stage squad 2020** @vocalmin

ft hyunjin being the best man to his crush and best friend changbin’s wedding shittt

 _in reply to @changjinangst_ **  
****im blacksymphony on ao3** @bluejeanblues

theyre probs gonna fight abt it once all of this is over and changbin goes back to the dorms lol

 _in reply to @changjinangst_ **  
****Yun loves changbin** @luckyseo

i relate i would like to marry changbin too

 _in reply to @SKZSubs_ **  
****ivos** @daigdig

Hyunjin should join we got married too 

* * *

“Don’t you think there’s something we should do about it?” Hyunjin asks Seungmin once, when they’re the only two in the dance room wrapping up. They’d just finished filming a Vlive together, where what they basically did was switch roles, with Seungmin making up impromptu dance moves to whatever beat Hyunjin put up as Hyunjin tried to smoothly sing and hit all the notes of the songs Seungmin would play in return.

“By what?” Seungmin asks distractedly, pulling out the wires to disconnect his laptop from the sound system. 

“The shipping thing.” Hyunjin replies, knowing that Seungmin will understand what he’s referring to without much further explanation. 

Seungmin doesn’t stop with his ministrations, but his head is tilted, the only indication that he’s really listening and considering Hyunjin’s words. “If it really was that bad, then management would’ve done something about it.”

He isn’t wrong, but Hyunjin also knows this aspect of fanservice is what gets goods sold. Of course management isn’t going to do jackshit about it; not when it’s earning them profit. Occasionally they’d even ask them to play up their affection with certain members for better publicity, to amp up the image of closeness. Not that they aren’t close, but not exactly in the way the fans see it. Chan, for one, was never really a big fan of skin-to-skin contact, but every once in a while he’ll initiate it because management tells him that his reluctance could lead fans to thinking that he didn’t care as much for the members. They all know just how much it makes him uncomfortable when he has to do it, and his dislike of it is something they’ve never taken personally. 

Minho and Jisung are also another by-product of this, good friends before but never to the extent where they were constantly around one another’s orbit up until the survival show and past that, but their forced closeness by the board only resulted Jisung having an excuse to pester someone, and Minho getting used to fulfilling that role as Jisung’s go-to everything. At least the latter one had turned out for the better. Sort of. Sometimes they have their days where they’re so fed up with the fact that they need to keep up the act that it affects their actual relationship behind closed doors, and they refuse to talk to one another up until they feel like they’re free enough from everyone’s expectations. It’s short-term, but they cherish it for every fleeting moment it lasts. 

“Maybe.” Hyunjin says vaguely. 

Seungmin gives him a side-glance. “It’s not like you can’t tell the fans to tone down the obsession during a live session. Or you can tell Chan-hyung to do it.”

It’s not Hyunjin’s style to be confrontational though, even about the things that make him incredibly uncomfortable. It doesn’t really help that the idol industry is demanding and more often than not, unfair, so they’ve had to train themselves in the art of just sucking it up, because that’s the way the world works. 

So even if Seungmin brings up the suggestion, Hyunjin doesnt think he can do it. Besides, it doesn’t make much sense for Hyunjin to be this affected when the rest of the members deal with the same kind of shit, though he still doesn’t get how the others are so unbothered by the shipping. It’s most probably might be because they don’t check the comments of that topic with the same single-minded obsession that Hyunjin has, but even outside of that, the idea in itself that the fans objectify them like that is hard to ignore. Hyunjin doesn’t know how people like Felix simply find it hilarious, how people like Changbin and Seungmin just remain aloof to it, how people like Chan just quietly accept it as part of what they signed up for when they became idols. 

Hyunjin must have been silent for too long, because Seungmin lets out a sigh and asks, “Why does it bother you so much?” 

_Because they’re our fans, but it’s like they don’t see me past what they want to see. Like I’m nothing more than an object for them to fetishize. Like they don’t even know who I truly am past the idol glamour._

In the end, Hyunjin just answers, “Because they’re taking every interaction we have as something romantic. What if I like someone but they won’t take me seriously because of that?”

It’s a shit cover up, but Seungmin buys into it, because he rolls his eyes. “Look. If Jisung can snag himself a secret girlfriend even though he literally can’t keep his hands off Minho-hyung half the time, then I’m sure you can too.” 

To be fair, Jisung’s girlfriend, Choi Yejin, the youngest makeup artist that Stray Kids has, deserves so much better than him. But Hyunjin doesn’t have to say it because Seungmin knows that just as much. They tease the rapper about it a lot. 

“Besides, do you even like anyone?” Seungmin asks. 

Hyunjin doesn’t actually know. He can count the amount of crushes he’s had his entire life on one hand, and they’ve never really gone past thinking they were attractive. He’s only been in two relationships his entire life, but they weren’t that serious — he dated a girl for two months, and there was a boy who liked him back, except they never went further than two cheek kisses. He liked them, but they didn’t occupy his thoughts and make him gush to his friends about how great they were the same way Jisung does about Yejin or the way Woojin recounts his past experiences in high school. Hyunjin wasn’t really in love with his partners; he’s never even experienced the feeling. 

“I’ve never been in love.” Hyunjin admits. “I don’t even know how to tell.”

“There’s a part of you that’ll always know. It’s just hard to access it sometimes.” Seungmin tells him. “But usually, if you really can’t, someone else will for you.”

Hyunjin scrunches up his nose. “Is that really how it works?”

“Well, for you specifically, since you’re kind of dense.”

“Rude! I tell you that you’re my best friend in front of thousands of viewers and this is how you treat me?”

Seungmin giggles as Hyunjin pouts at him. “C’mon, let’s go home.”

Once they return to the dorms, Seungmin makes a beeline for his room, more tired than he’s letting on. Hyunjin finds Changbin sleeping on the couch. He’s tempted to wake him up to urge him to sleep in his actual bed, but Woojin exits the bathroom just then, and silently shakes his head when he sees Hyunjin reaching down to try and shake the rapper awake. 

“Why is he here?” Hyunjin whispers to Woojin. 

“He was waiting for you.” Woojin replies, voice just as hushed. 

The oldest leaves before Hyunjin can ask why. His gaze travels down to the sleeping figure of his hyung before he notices the group’s stack of post-its are on the coffee table, and on the top is a note in Changbin’s handwriting. When Hyunjin peers down to read it, he realizes it’s for him, with Changbin asking where his white long-sleeved shirt, the one Hyunjin is actually wearing right now, and demanding it back. 

Ironic, considering that Changbin is wearing Hyunjin’s ratty jersey shirt. Hyunjin can’t help but smile fondly — he hasn’t seen a bare-faced Changbin in a long time, and his sleep looks too relaxing, all the tightness and stress from the day gone — and his conversation with Seungmin suddenly comes to mind. He wonders if Changbin has ever been in love, wonders if he feels something for Hyeri not-so platonic. 

When Hyunjin looks back on it, Changbin never really did properly answer his question when he asked if he was in love with her. Then he feels a sense of discomfort settle in him, and he realizes that it was probably for the best. 

He makes his way to their shared closet and pulls one of the drawers to take out a new blanket, which he brings back to the living room to drape over the elder. Immediately, though unconsciously, Changbin grabs the edge of the blanket to bring it closer to his face. 

“Thanks, Jinnie.” Changbin murmurs, though he still looks deep asleep. He looks content. 

Hyunjin feels lightheaded and awfully giddy. Even _if_ Changbin might be in love with Hyeri, at the moment, it doesn’t matter. 

* * *

Though they aren’t planning on doing a world tour, they have a small Asian leg they’re dedicating a half and a month to, which is why We Got Married is put on hold for that time frame so they can host concerts in different countries. None of the places are particularly new, but for those who saw it as a waste to just lounge around in the hotel rooms during their free time — which was essentially everyone besides Jisung — they go visit night markets and check out malls. Sightseeing was already an agenda they covered the first time, and the beauty of it wears off early on. Hyunjin is kind of embarrassed by how obvious it is that he’s a tourist. 

There are interviews slotted in between Concert Time and Fun Time — Woojin and Chan’s labelling — which is what they stress over more than their actual performances, which, by this point, are already second instinct to them. These nations have their own language and none of them understand it, so both parties are forced to resort to using English as some kind of middle ground even if it’s neither of their first language. They’re lucky for Japan that they understand a bit — for half of them, it’s due to binge-watching animes rather than local live dramas, and the others, from an actual effort made to study phrases and expressions — but that isn’t the case for other countries. 

In a rare stroke of luck, the interview they’re scheduled for in Taiwan has a translator. Their manager explains that it’s to avoid another “China incident” that happened last year, wherein Jeongin ended up saying something accidentally offensive. They had to hold themselves back from talking much if they could help it after that, since getting chewed out for it by the board wasn’t an experience they wanted a repeat of. 

For all the past interviews they’ve had during the duration of the tour, not once has the topic of Changbin’s solo activity been brought up. But the journalist this time around seems to be a personal fan of theirs, Changbin specifically, so of course, it comes up. Hyunjin doesn’t know why he had thought — and maybe even _hoped_ — that any talk of We Got Married would just be limited to one or two teasing remarks from the members about Hyeri possibly missing Changbin while he’s away before they get dropped completely, but apparently, that’s hoping for too much. 

“So, Seo Changbin-sshi,” the journalist starts. The translator easily rephrases her words. “I know you’ve had to put it on hiatus because of the tour, but how is We Got Married going for you so far?” 

They’d just finished answering the question regarding solo avenues each of the members would like to pursue. Most of what they said are similar to one another; career-wise, they don’t necessarily want to do solo activities, but they do want to have collaborations with certain members as well as outside artists. For other things outside of it, that’s when their answers vary; Seungmin wants to join Law of the Jungle, Jisung is perfect for It’s Dangerous Beyond the Blankets, Minho thinks he’ll do well in Hit The Stage, and there might be a chance that Woojin would be asked to be part in doing an OST. 

Really, Hyunjin should’ve seen this coming. 

“It’s really fun.” Changbin says, and Hyunjin can’t tell whether the words are practiced or not. Maybe that’s just his imagination that they are, because it’s not like Changbin and Hyeri have a terrible time together, though their relationship in itself is different from the program and what they have to do there. “Actually, we aren’t really close with other girl groups besides the ones inside our company, so it’s nice to see a group outside and be able to casually joke around. When I snuck into Fever Dream’s dressing room to surprise Hyeri as they were preparing for their live stage, her bandmates saw me first, and they called me brother-in-law.”

It happened three episodes before the proposal one. Just as Stray Kids had ended their promotions, Fever Dreamhad a comeback. It was a busy time for the girl group, especially because they had to make the stages for the wedding ceremony with Stray Kids, but it was stress that they were grateful to have, because it beat being locked in the basement of the company with nothing to do. It wasn’t uncommon for the bandmates of the participants to join in the charade of marriage, calling each other by in-laws or something. Even without the camera, when Fever Dreamand Stray Kids would meet up to practice for their collab performance, they’d greet one another by calling each other in-laws. Hyunjin didn’t do it, but there were so many that no one really noticed. 

(Looking back on it, Hyunjin probably rivalled Jisung in terms of introversion during that entire period, because they were the only two members who weren’t able to build any stable camaraderie with the girls. The most they could go for was small talk and civilness.)

The topic jumps to how they’ve been spending their free time when they aren’t performing or sleeping. Changbin mentions that he’s been using the opportunity to buy more clothes since he thinks he’s due for a new wardobe change. 

“The fans have noticed that you give a lot of your clothes for Fever Dream’s Hyeri-sshi to wear though.” the interviewer notes. “Does that have anything to do with that?”

“Ah, that’s just because she looks good in my clothes.” Changbin answers. “You know when your boyfriend insists that you wear his shirt because it means that you’re his? It’s kind of like that.”

All the members know Changbin is only saying something as ridiculously cheesy as this to make the marriage appear as genuine as it can be, even if everyone knows it’s virtual in truth. There’s some sort of appeal in buying into the fantasy of idols being in an actual relationship, which Hyunjin doesn’t really understand, because from seeing past idol experiences, that’s usually the cause for more hate, since fans get possessive over them and dislike acknowledging the reality that their idols are people too and are definitely going to be in relationships. 

Then again, the fans seem more invested in shipping the members with one another rather than with themselves. 

“Hyunjin-hyung also wears your clothes though?” Jeongin wonders aloud. Changbin, for some strange reason, turns faintly pink. It’s because of Changbin’s strange reaction that HYunjin forgets whatever retort or protest that was on his lip. 

“We do laundry together, so our clothes tend to get mixed a lot.” Chan quickly clarifies, when the silence after Jeongin’s observation becomes too much to handle, especially when the journalist looks confusedly at the translator, like she doesn’t know what to say in response to that. “So it’s bound to happen, wearing each other’s clothes at some point.” 

Here’s the thing: it’s not like Chan isn’t right, but Minho and Changbin are the only two members who are actually particular about their clothes, the ones who whine the most when they can’t find a particular outfit and find it in another member’s drawer or already on them, who will scold the members for putting their scent all over the fabric even though they’ve been living together for years and all their odors kind of blend together. But Changbin has never minded the fact that Hyunijn wears them. In fact, he even seems to like it. 

(“You look better in it than I do.” he remembers Changbin telling him upon seeing the younger in his dark blue paint-splotched hoodie.

“She looks good in my clothes.” Changbin had told the interviewer.

“It’s called the idol persona.” Chan explained to them. Idol persona— _idolsona_. Either a completely different personality from an idol’s true self, or merely an exaggeration of it, used to cater to the image the board is going for and whatever the fans want to see. For profit, for fanservice. 

They’re idols; it’s never been enough to just make music and let the world hear it.)

Hyunjin looks back and thinks he should’ve figured it out sooner. 

* * *

Once they finish the interview and make their way back to the vans to head back to the hotel, Changbin wraps an arm around Hyunjin’s waist. He used to try doing it around his shoulder, but the height difference had made it difficult, so he settled for his waist, something more reachable. Except Hyunjin automatically shakes him off, and stalks to the other vehicle, bribing Jeongin to switch places with him on the way back, not glancing back at Changbin for even a second. 

(By the car door, Changbin frowns as Jeongin walks over to him, looking just as confused. “What was that about?”

“You tell me.” Jeongin replies. “Seungmin-hyung is in that van though. Maybe the journalist said something that made him uncomfortable?”

If anything, that just makes Changbin’s frown deepen. “Then why didn’t he go to me?”

“Hyung, it’s not exactly like you’ve been approachable lately.” Jeongin points out. “What with We Got Married and all that.”

“What do you mean—” But Jeongin is already boarding the vehicle.)

Later, Hyunjin will feel terrible about his behaviour, and he won’t say anything when they’re back in the hotel room besides sneak into Changbin’s room to drop off his favorite coffee from Taiwan. Though he’ll try diong it without being seen, Changbin will find him anyway, and ask him if he did anything wrong, because the older is working on being more sensitive around others. And Hyunjin will say no, because he would rather let Changbin assume he overreacted on something nonexistent than spill out the turmoil going on inside of him, because it’s not something he can just dump on his hyung, when it isn’t his problem in the first place. 

(Because it’s not like he had acted like that without reason. It’s not really a sudden realization, but a build up of something he should’ve figured out even before. Hyunjin’s perception of Changbin is skewed. He doesn’t know what to think of the other besides the fact that just because someone acts a certain way off camera doesn’t mean that they aren’t acting. Changbin has been keeping up with these separate personas for so long that they’re starting to blend together.

Objectively speaking, it’s not a terrible thing. Changbin isn’t a bad person regardless as to which mask he puts on for others to see. But it also means that he can’t truly be honest around the younger; Hyunjin only really got to know the other’s situation and struggle because he eavesdropped on his conversation with Felix, not because Changbin genuinely wanted him to know. Like around Hyunjin, Changbin slips the mask back on, and Hyunjin—

He can’t stomach the idea that the way Changbin treats him could actually be fake.)

* * *

Changbin’s We Got Married runs for nine months, and it officially ends — shooting-wise, anyway — on a Sunday morning. Hyunjin knows this because the note is scrawled down in their calendar in bright, pink ink. 

The elder had said he’d return an hour before midnight, but it isn’t even eight yet, and he’s already back. They didn’t have much to do today, so Hyunjin spent most of the morning in the practice room before returning back home and resting. He’d normally find Jisung and Jeongin in the dorms as well, but Jisung snuck off to see Yejin and Jeongin went with Felix and Seungmin to a new arcade that had just opened two weeks ago, on the premise that they wanted to film themselves playing to show to the fans. Their unit leaders are still in JYP Building, having come up with the brilliant idea to release a song featuring just the three of them. 

"You're here early," Hyunjin says in lieu of a greeting from the dining-kitchen area. 

"We finished filming early." Changbin replies, putting his shoes on the rack before making his way to the kitchen. "I left the moment they said we were done. I'm fucking beat, man."

Hyunjin glances up from his phone and watches Changbin wash his hands. When he finally turns around, Hyunjin's eyes are drawn to the wax evident in the elder’s styled hair and the faint traces of makeup he hadn't properly gotten rid of, almost as if he had been in a rush.

Changbin, meanwhile, narrows his eyes down at Hyunjin's propped up phone. Even though he can't see the screen from his view, it doesn't stop him from saying, "You stood out in the Special Stage, you know. In a good way."

Hyunjin was asked to do a Special Stage performance with Yugyeom, Momo, and Yeji — their unit name had been RETRO, though the actual reason had flown past him the minute after the board had explained the meaning to them. They had to do a remix of Justin Bieber's _What Do You Mean?_ and _Sorry_. They're old songs, but they started trending again in Korea for whatever reason, and the board decided that a collab stage among JYP’s four main groups was in order.

At first, Hyunjin was adamant on doing it, because it was Minho who was Stray Kids' main dancer, not him. But Minho insisted that Hyunjin agree because it was too much of a good opportunity to let slip by, and Hyunjin was abruptly reminded of Hyeri, of ship sinking groups and the desperation to establish solo, independent identities.

RETRO spent a good month practicing it until the performance on MBC, which was two days ago, and when they checked the monitor, Hyunjin was . . . not satisfied with how he did, to say the least. Practice had gone fine, but the final product didn’t look as good as it should’ve, and it didn’t help that the camera seemed incredibly intent on putting most of the focus on him, even if Twice and GOT7 were the bigger groups. Even though the performance had already happened and there was nothing he could do, it didn’t stop him from obsessing over his failure to meet the standard. 

He’d been frustrated at himself and wouldn’t let go of it for the entire day, watching the performance over and over again as if doing it enough times could actually change the outcome. It was to the point that even Seungmin — who tended to beat himself up just as much over not doing as well as he wanted to — was slightly fed up over Hyunjin’s inability to get over it. 

(“The only thing you can do is improve next time.” Seungmin had eventually told Hyunjin, and though Seungmin had a point, it didn’t stop the persistent thoughts from circulating around Hyunjin’s head.)

“What?” Hyunjin asks dumbly. 

Changbin pulls the chair beside Hyunjin and sits down. He looks to the other’s phone for a brief second, which is, naturally, playing the goddamn live performance, though he doesn’t make a move to grab it. 

"You went a beat faster than the rest during your line in the first verse, but it made you stand out so it turned out for the better." Changbin tells him. He looks like he wants to use Hyunjin's phone to show it to him, but it's probably _because_ it is Hyunjin that he doesn't. "And in your improv of the second to the last chorus," he continues. "At that moment, you could rival Woojin-hyung and Seungmin in terms of vocals." 

Hyunjin is caught off guard. Changbin hadn’t even been there the entire yesterday, hadn’t known how Hyunjin thought about his performance outside of meeting him the moment RETRO finished and walked out. When Changbin went to greet and congratulate him, all Hyunjin had done was shake his head in disappointment, murmuring that it wasn’t good enough before leaving it and not bringing it up until the next day. 

"I can't believe you remember that." Hyunjin admits. He'd call bullshit if not for the fact that Changbin has never been the type to offer empty platitudes, if not for the fact that the very things he's saying are exactly the things Hyunjin has been beating himself up over, because in his eyes they were massive fuck-ups, irredeemable mistakes because he underestimated how overwhelmed he'd be to step on stage without his members but with major idols instead, to the point where he became careless and nervous. 

"Of course I do." Changbin says, like there was no doubt.

Hyunjin immediately flushes at the straightforwardness of the older, but he tries covering it up by teasing, wiggling his fingers playfully at the other. "Is that what you do when you aren't with us and aren't filming for the show?" 

"Yes." Changbin replies, and Hyunjin falls silent, not having expected that. "It's what I always do." 

Hyunjin knows that Changbin means every word he says, and he suddenly imagines the other riding the car heading to shooting site or sitting in the set waiting for filming to start, watching the stage on loop just to pinpoint what he liked best about not what the group did, but Hyunjin specifically. Hyunjin is still embarrassed, sure, but a big part of it is shyness, and he doesn't nearly hate the idea as he thinks he should. He's touched even, secretly delighted at the prospect of Changbin caring so much. 

Hyunjin glances at Changbin. It's only now does it occur to Hyunjin that they're merely inches apart, but he doesn't pull back. Changbin meets his gaze without fear, only emphasizing their proximity, and though the younger has never claimed to be good at reading others, it's almost as if in the elder's eyes, there's unbridled fondness, affection. It's a familiar look, though Hyunjin can't exactly recall when he's seen it, who that look had ever been for. 

It probably doesn't matter. Changbin is nice to look at— _beautiful_ , admittedly, up close. Though Hyunjin has always known it, it feels different than before, in the same way you know sunsets are breathtaking to watch but not truly understanding its wonder until you actually see it unfolding before your very eyes, the same way you think a song is nice but when the person you love starts to sing it, it becomes your favorite thing in the world to hear. Changbin looks down at Hyunjin’s lips, and the latter immediately knows what he's thinking. They've never done this before, had a moment like this, but Hyunjin knows because he's thinking the exact same thing. 

He lets out a soft exhale, almost as if he's letting go of the agitation and pretense inside him, and finds himself unthinkingly leaning in. 

Hyunjin’s eyes are already half-lidded, his body moving on its own, when the door bursts open and Felix’s cheerful voice loudly declaring, _“_ Hyung! You’re home!”

Changbin and Hyunjin immediately jolt away from one another, just in time for no one to notice that the two of them had been in the middle of something. 

Felix, the one who enters the dorm first, immediately comes running towards Changbin, throwing himself onto the other to envelope him in a tight hug from behind. “Fuck, I’m so glad that We Got Married is over. I missed you so much.”

“‘Lix,” Changbin says, hesitating for a second before reciprocrating the hug, holding onto the arms circled around him. “I— I’ve missed you too.”

Something in Hyunjin tells him he should leave, that he suddenly isn’t welcomed here anymore, that he has to go before— he doesn’t know. 

(Before he lets go once more, before something else happens, before it gets ruined again.)

“I think I’ll go.” Hyunjin announces, even though he typically never has to do that sort of thing. It feels like something he has to say now, because of what happened earlier, what they never just did. The thought of it makes Hyunjin feel flushed, but he prays that it isn’t obvious. “If you’re here, then it means Seungmin is back. And I need to talk to him. About something.” 

It's an absolute lie, but Felix hadn’t asked for an explanation, so he doesn’t respond beyond a nod of understanding, turning back to nuzzle his head in the crook of Changbin’s neck and murmuring something. The position shouldn’t be nice, considering that the younger has to bend down, but Felix doesn’t look like he minds. Changbin isn’t paying attention to whatever Felix is doing, eyes intently focused on Hyunjin. The elder looks like he wants to say something, but Hyunjin is already leaving before he can get a word out. 

“Hyung,” Felix says, as Hyunjin grabs his phone and slips out of the kitchen-dining area. “You need to make up for nearly half a year’s worth of cuddles.”

Hyunjin’s heart twists. 

“Mhm,” Hyunjin hears Changbin absentmindedly say in reply. 

Hyunjin imagines Felix taking the seat he’d been sitting in earlier and catching up with Changbin. He imagines the way Felix would grab Changbin’s hands and how they’d possibly lean close as they talk, how Changbin might say something that’ll make Felix giggle, how Feilx could be on the receiving end of the same look Changbin had given him only a few minutes ago. 

Hyunjin thinks of how close Changbin’s lips had been to his, recalls how he wanted to touch them, remembers how in that moment, it was as if the only thing they’d seen was one another and nothing else, and wonders what exactly had he been thinking. 

(The answer is that he hadn’t. And Hyunjin is too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice how Changbin’s gaze follows him even with Felix trying to occupy his attention.) 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably the biggest challenge for this chapter (besides resolving the conflicts) was thinking of song titles for skz's future comebacks, but the chat part here in the fic honestly makes up for whatever difficulties i encountered cuz it was honestly the highlight of the chapter for me ... now i get why chat fics are so fricking popular in the fandom

Hyunjin doesn’t frequent the composition room as much as the dance room, but he finds himself there on a Tuesday night regardless. 

They’re already preparing for a new comeback, and they’ve gotten to the recording stage for their upcoming mini album. They’re going for something different this time with regards to their songs: there are tracks that only some of them will sing since they’ve been grouped into subunits — Chan, Woojin, and Minho being one; Changbin and Seungmin being another — and for their title song, “Take Two”, they’re going for a more vocal-centered theme than relying heavily on their rap, mimicking how “Levanter” and “Symphony” went. 

It’s not that Hyunjin doesn’t like the new direction they’re taking, because at least it means that every member gets to shine at some point and they’re giving something new to the music world, but two days ago he was given a stack of paper comprised of all the lyrics to the songs he’s part of for the album, and the highlighted lines that indicate that they’re his are way less than he expects them to be. 

He isn’t bitter. He shouldn’t be, considering that it’s not as bad as it appears to be. Jeongin and Minho barely have enough lines as it is, but to be fair, it’s only because their group has always been prioritizing rap over vocals. Now that they’ve switched though, decreasing the rap in lieu of increasing the singing lines, Hyunjin’s own parts have been shortened. In “Take Two”, he gets three lines before Jisung follows and takes over two _stanzas_ , and he gets to sing one line of the pre-chorus once before he doesn’t sing anything at all. For the rest of their b-sides he’s part of, he gets the shortest amount of lines among the rappers (it used to be Felix, he remembers, but now the younger doesn’t just have his own solo lines, but also a lot of parts where he harmonizes with the vocalists. When Hyunjin computes the line distribution, Felix has twice as much as him). The only time Hyunjin really gets to shine is in his duet song with Jisung, but in its three-minute length, he only takes up a minute, and Jisung is in the spotlight for the remainder. 

Technically, it’s not supposed to be surprising, given that he’s always been more of the dancer than a rapper, but it doesn’t mean he likes it, and he doesn’t like using that as an excuse for his lack of skill. Especially since he was under the impression that he was steadily improving with his rap, to the point where he might even be able to reach Chan’s level, at the very least. 

He’d apparently been deluding himself, because the rap part he believes his style is more equipped for “Take Two _”_ has been given to Minho. 

It’s probably the first time he’s ever stayed up late in the building to practice something other than dancing, but Hyunjin takes it as a sign that it’s exactly why he’s not good enough: he’s been slacking off. Though it’s not as if working hard to develop his rap will abruptly change the line distribution — something he should’ve done beforehand if he wanted to avoid this resolution — if he shows the board and Chan that he’s improved, then maybe for the next project or comeback, they’ll recognize him for his efforts and give him more lines. 

(There’s a small voice inside his head that tells him to stop being greedy. He’s spent the last comebacks and songs getting more lines than he deserves, but Hyunjin is— he’s selfish. Greedy. He doesn’t want to lose what he already has, can’t afford to be less than perfect. Only being good at one thing isn’t an option, not when he knows he’s capable of doing more, _being_ more.) 

The composition room is stifling; Hyunjin has no idea how the rest of them are able to work despite the feeling, but he needs a cramped space like this for him to be forced to concentrate on the task at hand and not get sidetracked. The rooms here always provide the best acoustics anyway; at least with regards to that factor, Hyunjin understands why the other members go here. 

He’s been playing his and Jisung’s collab song, “Gold Star”, a reference to how kids would get a gold star for doing good deeds, and it tells a story about two certain children who have never gotten one because of how much they argue and disappoint the teacher in the process — a creative nod to Hyunjin and Jisung’s turbulent relationship in the past — on loop, because that’s where he can show his sudden boost in skills the most, practicing his part over and over again, until he hears a loud knock on the door. 

Hyunjin stops, wondering if he imagined the sound. Then the knocking resumes, and Hyunjin lowers the volume of the song before walking over to the door and unlocking it. 

“Changbin-hyung,” Hyunjin says in surprise upon seeing the older. Past Changbin, Hyunjin can see the clock hung on the wall across the room. It’s nearing two o’clock. Hyunjin had gotten here right after having dinner, but he doesn’t feel sleepy in the slightest. It probably had something to do with whatever drink Felix had coaxed him into drinking. “What are you doing here?”

“That’s a stupid question.” Changbin replies as he steps in, shutting the door. Hyunjin realizes that the other is right. Changbin has always been one of the members that leave the building the latest. He hadn’t been doing it for the past few months because of We Got Married, but now that it’s over, he’s gone back to his usual routine. Hyunjin just hasn’t gotten used to seeing him here again this late on his own accord. “I needed a short break, so I left the studio and passed by. It was the first time in a while that I’ve seen the lights to these rooms on. You never go here.”

Hyunjin is about to spout out some excuse or avoid the question, but he remembers that this is Changbin he’s talking to. Changbin, who will easily see through his bullshit, who has always been difficult to really lie to about these kinds of things. “I’m practicing.” says Hyunjin. “For the songs.”

Changbin tilts his head. After a few seconds of silence, he says, “You’re upset.”

Hyunjin sits down on the floor. Spending too much time in the dance room has made him unused to sitting on chairs when he wants to do any kind of work. “I have less lines than before.” he confesses. He sounds like a spoiled child, but it doesn’t make him any less upset, just all the more guilty for even feeling it. He wouldn’t normally admit this kind of weakness to the others — maybe Seungmin, but the younger is already dealing with so much on his own plate — but Changbin is different, because Hyunjin usually goes to the other about this kind of thing anyway, because he never judges. Technically, he’s the best person who Hyunjin could have met at this hour. 

“Do you want help?” Changbin asks, sitting beside him. “I developed a new technique to help with intonation.”

Hyunjin only agrees because he knows Changbin is just as much a perfectionist as he is, even if the younger personally believes Changbin is the one member who is closest to perfect and can actually afford to slack off without any repercussions on his treatment music-wise. The technique Changbin had come up with is good in theory and works when he does it, but when Hyunjin tries it out for “Take Two” _,_ he can’t exactly get it right. He does it again, but he can’t quite match the kind of image he has in mind. 

He repeats, still nothing. The same thing goes for the fourth and fifth time. Changbin says something, and Hyunjin follows, but even if in his head he understands the instructions, it’s like his vocal chords haven’t gotten the memo, because it still sounds off. 

“Fuck this.” Hyunjin finally says aloud, pausing the music. “I can’t do it.” He rubs his cheeks in frustration and let out a sigh. He’s tired and he wants to go home, but he can’t, because he hasn’t accomplished jackshit for the past few hours, and he refuses to go home feeling empty-handed, unproductive. It might just be that today isn’t a good day for him, which is why he’s fucking up, but that can’t be an excuse, because what if that becomes his everyday? What if this is just the start, and things only go downhill from here? 

Hyunjin doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels something wet splash his pants. Changbin brushes the tears away with the pad of his thumb, but it doesn’t stop the waterworks in the slightest. Hyunjin doesn’t know why he can’t control it, but maybe it’s because it isn’t the usual guttural kind of sobbing, just silent tears streaming down his face. 

After a few seconds of looking lost on what to do, Changbin abruptly grabs Hyunjin and hauls him to himuntil he’s practically sitting on the elder’s lap. He forcefully tucks Hyunjin’s head into the junction between his head and collarbones, and the moment their skin touches, it’s like there’s some kind of instantaneous effect; automatically, Hyunjin’s body sags, like he’s trying to make himself smaller or melt into Changbin and the warmth that radiates off him. In his arms, Hyunjin has always felt special to the older, even if he’s never said it. 

Changbin lets Hyunjin cry it out for a few minutes before pulling him away. Hyunjin, at first, thinks it’s because the other is fed up with the fact that he’s practically dampened his neck with his tears, only for Changbin to look at him with solemnity and cup his face gently. 

His hands are big, so he does it easily, or maybe Hyunjin’s face is smaller than it seems. Gestures like these have always made Hyunjin feel small, and it might be just why he secretly likes it so much. His mother used to hold him like this. Changbin is the only other person besides her who Hyunjin allows to touch him this way. 

“It’s okay.” Changbin says softly. “It’s okay, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin can’t help but snort at the practically pacifying way Changbin sounds. Changbin isn’t a hostile person to begin with, and the notion would be completely out of character, but talking to others like they’re children has never been a serious affair before, so he’s not really good at it. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a baby.”

Changbin raises an eyebrow, the gentle front ebbing away in lieu of something more natural, something more _him_. “Oh, yeah? Then how come you look just like one when I do this,” And then Changbin presses Hyunjin’s cheeks to the point where they’re compressed to the center of his face, lips forcefully formed to look almost duck-shaped. 

Hyunjin immediately bats him away and pulls back, because there’s nothing fun about being reminded that he still has baby fat and doesn’t look as old and mature as he wants to be. He doesn’t move too far though, and his breath catches in his throat when instead of looking exasperated, Changbin’s gaze on him only softens, like he’d just done something charming. Hyunjin doesn’t understand why he thinks Changbin looks most beautiful when he looks like that, but it sounds like the most honest, vulnerable thing in the world he’s ever admitted to himself. 

It doesn’t hit him, how close they are, until Changbin speaks and his breath tickles Hyunjin’s face. “You never give yourself enough credit, you know.” he says. “You don’t see what I see, what the world sees, when they look at you and everything you have to offer.”

The thing is— the scary thing is, these are words that would’ve worked on soothing Hyunjin’s troubles, because these are words he _knows_ are true, even if he has a hard time accepting it sometimes and it only works to some extent. Hyunjin is known to be hard on himself, but he isn’t the type to completely deny what people say just because he can’t necessarily see it. He has never been the best person to know what’s good for him— that’s the other members, his family. 

But it doesn’t work now, when the only thing that enters Hyunjin’s mind is the thought of the world’s perception of them. It doesn’t work when it just makes him think of Changbin’s _annoying hyung_ persona, and how the way he’d just coddled and teased him a few seconds ago like Hyunjin was a baby was a reflection of that. It’s like someone had doused a cold bucket of water on him, forcing him to wake up and face reality; like snippets of the past few months are rewinding in a fast-paced motion, only giving him a moment’s time to soak in what’s happening before it’s shifting to another memory, and with it are all the accompanying realizations that Hyunjin had felt like he was too blinded to see before. 

He’s sick of the idea of forced habits, of the lack of sincerity that comes about as a result of acting like a certain way for too long. It’s so easy to forget who you really are when all this time everyone is asking you to be someone else. Sometimes Seungmin forgets that he doesn’t have to be so passive-aggressive all the time when he encounters something that only mildly annoys him. There are moments where Jeongin has a hard time expressing how he likes the way they dote on him, when on-camera, he’s forced to act like he despises it. Changbin has been immersing himself far too much in this charade of being so overbearingly affectionate that in face of a situation when affection _is_ needed, Hyunjin can’t even tell if it’s sincere or not anymore. It’s starting to slip into the cracks of the true selves they hide, starting to show even in the moments where things should be at their rawest, realist. 

Hyunjin remembers before debut and how it used to be easy to know, when Changbin did things in the most subtle of ways, and how those always spoke the loudest, because he was really trying for the sake of others despite it not being instinctive to him. But they’ve been doing this for years, and Hyunjin is terrified at the possibility that the Changbin he’s always found solace in — for the things he’d boldly say, for the things he’d easily _do_ , like hold him — is merely a lie. There are no eyes watching, but Changbin is still conforming to the farce he put up for outsiders to see. He’d already gotten used to it, but Hyunjin doesn’t want to play along. 

Hyunjin leans back. A look of hurt flashes across Changbin’s face; it pains Hyunjin to see it, but he suddenly remembers the last time they had something like this — in the early evening of the day, in the kitchen area, almost about to kiss until Felix arrived — and he can’t help it. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Changbin asks, a hint of worry evident at the edge of his tone.

Hyunjin shakes his head, but he doesn’t think he can look at Changbin the same way anymore. The abrupt thought of Felix makes Hyunjin want to hide in shame at his ridiculous thoughts earlier. Changbin may make Hyunjin special with the way he holds him, with the way he looks at him, but he probably looks at Felix, at others, just the same. 

Maybe that’s what seals the deal. Hyunjin doesn’t fault Changbin for any of this, because the real blame lies in the world, in himself. His inability to just deal with it, to accept it with open arms. 

They should stop, he thinks. He should put some distance between them. He would say it aloud, but the thought of it is too ridiculous, like the break-ups seen in dramas and movies, and this is reality they’re living in. All the things disrupting his life won’t come to an immediate end just because they resolve something. 

“It’s nothing.” Hyunjin says. He almost adds _hyung_ , but it’s something he’s always said with a kind of familiarity — that this is someone he looks up to, admires, _knows_ — he doesn’t feel. “I think I’m gonna go.” 

Maybe— just _maybe_ — distance is what he needs to come to terms with it. Because right now, he can’t stomach the idea that the Changbin he thought he knew is actually a stranger. 

Hyunjin can’t live with the idea that even if he wants the real Changbin, he doesn’t know who exactly that is anymore. 

* * *

**est. 1999 support grp (8)** **  
** _chat created by han jisung (the best secretary) with lee felix (mr president) a year ago_ _  
_ _last time active: two months ago_

 **the best secretary**  
we have a sos

 **doesnt want to be here #1**  
damn right we do  
whose turn was it to change the sheets  
bc bedsheets do not double as a blanket  
was it seungminnie  
i bet its seungminnie

 **doesnt want to be here #3**  
@jisung only chan-hyung and woojin-hyung are allowed to use the sos alert

 **the best secretary**  
yeah well  
this is abt chan-hyung  
apparently he hasnt watched changbin-hyung’s wgm at all??  
fucking blasphemy  
like what kind of leader would even  
and to think hes this orgs vp!

 **doesnt want to be here #2**  
you do realize hes going to see this right  
and that he didnt even want to be vp of this bullshit org  
also minho-hyung it was felixs turn for the month  
stop blaming me for everything 

**the best secretary**  
he cant even be bothered to check our professional gc  
icb he managed to hide it from us for this long

 **just . the best**  
It’s probably because you guys don’t stop talking about it to him

 **the best secretary**  
point .  
that being said  
he promised me he’ll do it now bc of the impromptu day off  
but he wants to make it a reaction video while doing vlive  
and he doesnt want to do it alone

 **mr** **president**  
changbin-hyung is going to get mad once he finds out

 **doesnt want to be here #1**  
lix its probs why sungie is using this gc  
also isn’t changbin back in the dorms?

 **mr president**  
hes meeting up with a hs friend i think  
only woojin-hyung is home

 **the best secretary**  
i know that some of yall havent watched everything yet  
imdisappointed in u  
dont bring the point of this gc to shame!!!

 **doesnt want to be here #2**  
we made this gc to gossip abt hyung and hyeri tho?? 

**the best secretary**  
not the point seungmin .  
but yall better get ur asses to hyung to watch wgm  
esp bc he’s going to post the video for the fans  
do it for the stays! 

**doesnt want to be here #3**  
what abt u?

 **the best secretary**  
i cant innie :<  
yejin and i have a date :>  
but at least one of u should go! watching wgm is a real trip  
chan-hyung is just in the studio waiting for someone to show up

 **doesnt want to be here #1**  
im exempted i already watched it  
its funny ngl  
but theres only so much of seeing binnies face that i can handle

 **doesnt want to be here #3**  
same except i quit halfway  
but ill go  
in case hyung needs emotional support  
theres no way hes going to watch everything anyway

 **the best secretary**  
aww maknae is so sweet  
hes going to ask fans for recommended episodes and just watch those instead

 **just . the best**  
I’ll have to pass on this one  
Need to catch up on sleep  
Have fun though

 **mr president**  
im coming! seungmin hbu? u havent watched it yet right

 **doesnt want to be here #2**  
just snippets  
so ig ill come too?  
im in the building anyway

 **the best secretary**  
seungmin in the building yeahhhhh

 **doesnt want to be here #2**  
shut up or ill ruin ur date  
@hyunjin r u coming? u said u didnt finish wgm

 **chan #2 (bc he never f*#$ing replies)**  
im not going  
im planning on heading to the dorms actually

 **doesnt want to be here #2**  
oh ok

 **the best secretary**  
guys hurry up hyung just started the live

* * *

Hyunjin opts to take the main road on the way back to the dorms instead of the usual back alley secret passages and shortcuts, except it’s midday instead of late at night — they never would’ve been let off this early if not for the fact that one of their staff members got caught with some kind of viral flu, and their manager decided to cancel all activities for the day because he felt like the staff and the group could get infected if they continued their schedule — so naturally, he runs into people who recognize him. Masks and caps never do much. He doesn’t really understand why management is still so insistent on them using it even if it makes no difference. 

“Hyunjin-oppa!” one of the girls says. They’re three girls that crowd around him, and though two of them look as old or older than him, it’s the youngest one that actually calls his attention. Their sudden presence would make Hyunjin reel back in discomfort and shock, except he’s been doing this gig long enough to learn that being off-stage and without schedule doesn’t mean you stop being an idol. “Can we have a picture?”

Hyunjin agrees, but on the condition that he doesn’t remove his mask because he isn’t feeling that well. It’s a flimsy excuse, but they easily accept it, meaning that at least he ran into the more chill type of fans. (Jisung had recounted to them an incidence where he refused because he was running a fever and was desperate to get home, but the fan had cried so hard at his rejection that he felt guilty and not only gave her a picture, but also bought her something from the nearby convenience store.) Hyunjin probably could’ve said no to the girls and they would be upset about it but take it in stride, but there isn’t a world where he’d actually do that, because they aren’t really asking for much and he knows they have a better fanbase than most. Relatively speaking. 

He takes off his cap to take a selfie with them, and signs the photocards of him that they have in their wallets. Two more girls see the exchange happening as they pass by and approach him, asking for the same thing. Hyunjin says yes again, but silently hopes that they’ll be the last ones to come, because then word is going to spread around and Chan isn’t going to be happy when he finds out that Hyunjin had forgotten to follow protocol to take the path that involved the least amount of publicity. It’s usually why they usually leave anywhere in pairs or trios, but all the members that were back in the building are with Chan doing a Vlive, and Hyunjin didn’t want to wait when for once he didn’t actually want to stay in the practice room. 

There's a bit of small talk that ends up happening. It's not that bad, so Hyunjin wouldn't typically mind it, but he's usually with one of the members when it happens, and it's always much easier to maintain a steady conversation when he has a familiar presence by his side. The fact that he's alone only makes him want to leave even more. 

"Hyunjin-ah," a fan calls out. She's a head smaller than him, but he thinks she's probably Minho's age. She's the only one among them who doesn't have him as her favorite member. It's Changbin, Hyunjin thinks she said. Most of the things the girls had been saying had flown past him, which he isn't proud of, but at least he grasped onto some snippets of what they'd told him. "How did you feel about Changbin in We Got Married?"

(For what it's worth, her favorite member should've been a sign enough.)

The question takes him aback at first. What does it matter what he thinks? It's not like what he feels will change the situation, and it's not like We Got Married was about him in the first place. Then he realizes what she's implying, and it makes him feel annoyed. It only worsens when the other girls seem to be just as interested in hearing the answer to the question. They’re in public, not on any social media platform. He didn’t think shipping was something they cared about outside of posted footages and screen devices. He doesn’t know if it’s always been like this and he’s just never noticed before or if it’s a recent thing that has come about due to Changbin’s participation in the program. 

Either way, he doesn’t like it. But there’s no way he’s going to admit his distaste so openly in front of them. 

“It was good exposure for Changbin-hyung. For all of us, actually. We aren’t that close with many idol groups, and at least Fever Dream is around the same age as us. If guys saw We Got Married, you’d understand.” Hyunjin vaguely answers. It sounds almost like Changbin’s answer in their tour, but more like the kind of scripted thing management would’ve given them for words to say on radio shows and interviews that may bring up the topic, if the members can’t think of anything more genuine to say. At least this serves as good practice. 

Hyunjin had initially planned on following Woojin by catching up on some sleep when he got back to the dorms, but the moment he returns, the first thing he does once he enters their shared room isn’t to fall face flat into the mattress and blak out from suppressed exhaustion, but lie down in the dimness of the room and check Chan and the rest’s Vlive. 

It’s still ongoing, and they’ve apparently stopped watching to talk about how they saw Changbin’s experience as a whole after it already happened, but that’s not what Hyunjin cares about. As he scrolls through the comments, it’s mostly filled with comments about “ _changlix”_ and “ _changjin”_. 

Hyunjin understands the former. Felix is there after all, even though he’d already watched all of Changbin’s run. But Hyunjin wasn’t even mentioned once in the entirety of the live, and the fans are still bringing him into the picture. None of the members mention the influx of comments regarding the ships, but he knows they’ve read it, because when the Vlive finally ends and he rewinds the entire thing, skimming past it, there are moments where Felix will giggle loudly out of nowhere as he keeps his eyes glued to the phone. He’s always found some kind of humor in them that Hyunjin could never find. The latter is a bit envious of him for that. 

He clenches his phone as he rereads through the fans’ excited and aggressive declarations of their beloved ships, feeling his anger slowly rise. In the end, he turns off his phone and tries to go to sleep, except in his unconscious mind, Changbin is there, saying something rather personal before he pulls Hyunjin in a kiss. 

It’s a build-up of the what-ifs that had never pushed through, everything he really could dream of, but upon the sight of millions of fans below them, Hyunjin realizes that the two of them stand on the center stage under the spotlight, and he only feels wronged. 

~::~

A resolve is formed later that day, and then it tumbles off from there. 

Hyunjin starts avoiding all the opportunities to interact with Changbin one-on-one. He doesn’t stay by Changbin’s side or anywhere close to him whenever the group has to gather around to discuss or do something. Every time he sees Changbin glance at his direction or make some move to approach him, Hyunjin pretends he notices nothing and shamelessly inserts himself in between conversations or interactions with other members, trying to look too preoccupied to give Changbin the time of day. 

It’s not— it’s not out of any personal resentment towards Changbin. Hyunjin just can’t shake off the possibility that he may not know Changbin as well as he thought even though they’re supposed to be close. 

(And more than that, he just wants people to stop talking about their perceived view of his and Changbin’s relationship. It doesn’t feel like something real that truly belongs to Hyunjin anymore, but some kind of entertainment value for the fans. Something convenient, money-making. Not something actually genuine, in all its awful parts just as in its beautiful ones.)

Changbin is many things, but oblivious isn’t one of them. He catches on quicker than Hyunjin realizes, during the very first week when Hyunjin resolves to push through with his plan. It’s obvious enough from how Hyunjin constantly feels a pressure tickling the back of his neck— the vague sense of awareness that someone is watching him. Hyunjin makes a pointed effort to never look back, but in one instance he managed to make eye contact with Changbin anyway, and though the younger had quickly turned away and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, he knew that Changbin was aware that their growing distance wasn’t something intentional. 

For a naive, almost hopeful second, Hyunjin thinks Changbin is going to confront him about it, storm up to him right in front of anyone or corner him and demand what’s wrong. He can see the entire way it plays out, and imagines all the different ways he’d respond, either evade the question or admit the truth. He doesn’t consider the latter possibility much, because it results in confessing something a bit too vulnerable for Hyunjin to tell someone who is starting to feel unfamiliar to him. There’s only so many ways to act dodgy in a conversation though, so Hyunjin’s imagination runs short. 

But then Changbin does the complete opposite of what Hyunjin expects, and actually follows his lead. Hyunjin doesn’t need to make much of a pointed effort to avoid the other, because he’s doing the exact same. 

(The tipping point had probably been this: Only Hyunjin and Jisung were in the dressing room, and the older had gotten him into a headlock to make him pay for getting him ridiculously emotional over cheesy songs in English — the consequence of bingewatching breakup movies one night where they were let out early because Woojin nearly passed out during practice — when Changbin came over and Jisung begged for the oldest to save him. Upon seeing Changbin, Hyunjin had hastily let Jisung go and squeaked out a poorly made excuse about going to Chan for something. He and Changbin had accidentally made eye contact for the briefest of seconds before the younger ran out of the room, and though even Jisung noticed that it was kind of off, it was telling enough for Changbin that something was actually going on, because even in the presence of a third person, Hyunjin hadn’t wanted anything to do with him.)

Within the first two weeks they’ve said less than ten words to one another. Hyunjin is at home when Changbin is in the studio, just as Changbin is at home when Hyunjin is in the dance room. They pass by one another’s rooms without a second glance, try as much as they can to not stay in the same breathing space if they can help it. Hyunjin had never pegged Changbin to be good at avoiding people, but he’s doing an amazing job of it right now, though it’s probably because Hyunjin is also playing his part. 

They’ve become two parallel lines, traveling towards the same direction but not interacting one bit. It’s not like before — before, as if that was so long ago; it’s been three weeks, Hyunjin has been unconsciously counting, even if it feels longer — where there were intersections and their paths would inevitably become entwined. Hyunjin is already starting to feel the loss — and how could he not feel the loss of Changbin’s presence in his life, even in the smallest of ways, when Changbin has been the first member of the group to become his friend back when he was a trainee — but he doesn’t make a move to change it. Hyunijn is stubborn; he doesn’t want to back down on something _he_ started. 

It’s when the members actually start to notice that Hyunjin allows himself a moment to consider resolving it. He can’t get over his issue and still believes distance with Changbin is the best solution to solving the dilemma they’re in right now, but he isn’t sure if it’s worth the confused looks that get thrown his way, and cautious, too subtle prodding he feels the older members do in relation to Changbin, even if it never works, because the avoiding is no longer a one-way street. The tension between the two of them is becoming obvious to everyone, but no one actually tells them to do anything. 

Hyunjin is sure it’s because of Chan, who probably told the rest of the members to let the two of them sort out whatever unsaid issue they have with one another. It’s Chan’s way of teaching them to be a lot more independent, as if they were kids who still needed basic life lessons taught to them. It doesn’t change the fact that Chan pulls him aside as they’re all walking back to the dorms after a tiring day of polishing their choreography for “Take Two”. None of the others notice the way they fall back, too exhausted by the events of today. 

“Hyunjin,” Chan says. “Not that I’m implying anything, or trying to make a big deal out of anything, but if something is going wrong, you’ll tell us, right? Or at least me?”

The faith clear in Chan’s words make it painful for Hyunjin to come up with a reply, and it doesn’t help that it only adds to his guilt. Hyunjin swallows. “Of course, hyung.” 

Hyunjin is stubborn, but for Chan’s sake, even if the latter isn’t aware of it, Hyunjin considers the possibility. 

~::~

 **Stray Kids**  
@Stray_Kids

Stray Kids (스트레이 키즈) “Take Two” M/V MAKING FILM  
youtu.be/Hk459LM3DW  
#StrayKids # 스트레이 키즈  
#GRIND_TakeTwo  
#TakeTwo

30.6k retweets 81.3k likes

 _in reply to @Stray_Kids_  
**Tana** @hantwothree

STREAM TAKE TWO 

_in reply to @Stray_Kids_  
**Millie** @straytkids

THIS COMEBACK IS SO SOLID #StrayKids7thWin

 _in reply to @Stray_Kids_ _  
_ **char** @minutesoftheminho

this came out later than most but its ok theyre all so cute *heart eyes*

 _in reply to @Stray_Kids_ _  
_ **ALBUM GIVEAWAY** @mirohigher

Is it just me or does Hyunijn and Changbin seem a little weird around each other

 _in reply to @mirohigher_ _  
_ **DONNIE** @majesticminnie

Omg i thought i was the only one who thought that … they dont even share a single frame together in this entire video

 _in reply to @majesticminnie_ _  
_ **Isa** @withoutnctu

That isn’t really a big deal tho  
But i do have to agree that smth is going on between them  
You dont have to be there to see that there's some tension happening 

_in reply to @majesticminnie and @withoutnctu_ _  
_ **gav** @zerolixus

they’ve already gotten 3 wins from this comeback and in both times changbin and hyunjin have embraced every member during the announcement except each other  
they think they’re being subtle but we see it

 _in reply to @zerolixus_  
**Maj** @kimuwoojin

js actually mentioned them both in his vlive a few days ago  
they’re fighting or smth but that the members are just letting them be bc chan said so  
he said it probs has smth to do w how cb doesnt rlly think abt the way he acts around others and its somehow affecting hj badly but js also isnt rlly sure

 _in reply to @kimuwoojin_ _  
_ **bad guy** @taketwomv

imo its kinda off that their own members dont know wtf is wrong with them and are just guessing when theyre practically family

 _in reply to @taketwomv_ _  
_ **seungbin supremist** @sunrayseungmin

changbin and hyunjin are adults tho i think they think that as long as it doesnt ruin the group dynamics entirely then its fine not everything needs an intervention  
this is just part of being in an idol group and adulting tbh 

_in reply to @zerolixus and @kimuwoojin_ _  
_ **you deserve a gold star** @goldhyunsung

changbin and hyunjin are fighting ???? noooo they cant fight theyre so sexi 

_in reply to @goldhyunsung_ _  
_ **hyunjin loving zone** @hwangology

Even if they are i s2g theyre gonna make up soon changjin will never die i refuse to let it

 _in reply to @goldhyunsung_ _  
_ **Anth** @seobinsung

SAME … changjinators have lasted this long there’s no way we’re opting out of the game 

_in reply @goldhyunsung and @seobinsung_ _  
_ **rap god jeongin** @dancerachabreak

Dont worry theyre too in love with each other to not fix whatever they have between them

 _in reply @goldhyunsung @seobinsung and @dancerachabreak_ _  
_ **spot it is the only valid leaders unit song ever** @skzspotitmp3

Ofc … there's no way we’re just gonna sit by n let changlixers clown us like that for having no content and beef

* * *

In the end though, it’s just a _maybe_. The fans are still making it all about ships, and it only makes Hyunjin all the more certain in his decision that he isn’t going to do anything to solve his problem. 

Distance is really the only doable answer. 

* * *

“Take Two” does better than any of them expect it to be, granting them four wins in total. The board credits a quarter of it to their hard work during this comeback, but mostly says their success is due to good timing and their outside activities that get them more viewers and recognition. Naturally, Changbin’s We Got Married exposure stands at the center of it all. 

The board‘s favorite b-sides are “Spot It” and “Gold Star”, so Jisung and Hyunjin have to scrap their initial plan of doing no choreography to putting dance moves in it. To make up for how the line distrubution isn’t equal despite it being a duet, Jisung adds an instrumental to make leeway for Hyunjin to do a solo dance break. Hyunjin, predictably, is touched, because Jisung didn’t need to do that; it’s not like he’s the one who decides who gets what lines after all. 

Because majority of this album’s songs are unit-based instead of all nine members, they don’t really see one another a lot beyond their group performances, actual events, and in the dorms. Hyunjin actually ends up spending most of his time with Jisung, even if they aren’t doing work, and it’s— nice, for lack of a better word. Not that Hyunjin views Jisung as a distraction or anything, because they are genuinely close. 

But it would be a lie to say that he isn’t using the other as a good excuse as to why he still isn’t talking to Changbin. The strain in their relationship has become clear enough to the fans, pointed out in comments for their numerous content, in fansigns, in handwritten messages they give to them. The board doesn’t bring it up once though, either because they don’t notice or are too preoccupied to care, and it’s probably why the members haven’t said a thing about the awkwardness between the two besides an offhanded mention of it or two that isn’t particularly serious. 

The reality is that, despite the casual front they put in front of the cameras, they’re all too busy to worry about one another’s problems. Which is okay, because in the first place, they’re all old enough and mature to deal with their own shit. And Hyunjin is taking full advantage of this fact to not do anything. 

(The thing is, Changbin isn’t doing anything either. It doesn’t matter, in the long run, that Hyunjin even started it.)

All of their unit songs get their own respective music videos, and Felix and Jeongin’s, “Yesteryear” — it’s Felix’s first song, and it’s creatively nicknamed as the twin sibling of Jisung's "Sunshine" — is one of the last to get theirs filmed because they’d taken too long deciding what aesthetic to go for. Hyunjin isn’t so good with concepts, even with a clear basis, so he had let Jisung mostly take charge of that, and for their video, they went for a school theme. “Spot It”, Chan, Woojin, and Minho’s song, had all of them acting as detectives, trying to crack a case. Changbin and Seungmin’s “Cure” involves a road trip, which is rich, coming from the two people who are known to be the worst drivers. 

On the third day of shooting for “Yesteryear", Hyunjin decides to pay them a surprise visit. Felix and Jeongin eventually settled on going for something Kimi no Nawa-inspired, so Hyunjin isn’t surprised to see that the set is divided into two completely different themes — one that vaguely resembles the city life and another the ocean side. Jeongin is currently the one under the cameras, taking over the latter scenery, most likely because it’s what reminds him best of Busan. The sea is going to be shown through green screen, but there’s actual sand scattered around Jeongin’s area to give a more realistic effect. 

Jeongin is kicking his bare feet against the sand and creating a bigger mess, but it works well with whatever idea the director is going for, because he urges Jeongin to keep on going as the audio of “Yesteryear” continues to echo around the room. When they make eye contact, Jeongin risks a wave to Hyunjin before going back to work. Hyunjin contemplates on waiting around until Jeongin is finished, but he overhears one of the staff talking about how the maknae's run will probably last for another hour or two, and then decides to go check up on Felix instead. 

Felix is the only one in the dressing room, blonde hair standing out against the mostly dark getup he's on since his character in "Yesteryear" is from the city. Jeongin had been in a Hawaian shirt and bright shorts. When Hyunjin thinks of the contrast, he finds it hilarious, and is excited at how the outcome of the video will turn out. Felix turns around the moment he hears the door open, and visibly brightens when he sees that it’s Hyunjin. The latter realizes that he hadn’t seen the two younger ones for the entire day. 

“Nice hair.” Hyunjin comments. “Thought you wanted blue though.”

“Yeah, well,” Felix says, turning to the mirror to check himself out. He gently brushes a hand against his hair to not ruin the way it's been styled. “Changbin-hyung said to go blonde.”

Hyunjin faintly remembers that conversation. Though Felix was leaning more towards going for something blue, he asked for the rest of the members’ opinions. Only Changbin repiled, saying that he liked Felix’s blonde hair best. At the time, the only other person listening in to the conversation was Hyunjin. Changbin noticed him paying attention, but hadn’t even spared him a second glance. 

It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, because Hyunjin basically asked for this. 

Try as he might, the memory isn’t exactly a pleasant one. “I see.” Hyunjin replies, for a lack of anything better to say. 

Felix spares him a glance, clearly noticing the awkward way Hyunjin suddenly carries himself at the mention of Changbin. He looks like he wants to say something, but it’s definitely going to be something Hyunjin knows he doesn’t want to hear, so he quickly switches topics. 

“I probably should’ve brought food.” he says, eyeing the empty ziplock bag in Felix’s hands. Jeongin’s name is labelled in the front; it was probably a sandwich in there. “Night market just opened and they were offering discounts to early birds." 

“Seriously?” Felix says, easily jumping in to the change, as Hyunjin sits on the chair beside him. “Dude, you should’ve. Jeongin’s gonna kill me when he finds out that I ate his midnight snack.”

“And yet you did it anyway.” 

“The director said that the estimated time of finishing filming today is three in the morning. I got stressed.”

It’s only seven. Hyunjin doesn’t doubt that they’ve been offered dinner, but Felix always eats more than usual during shooting days. While most of them worry about their consumption because it might make their faces look puffier, Felix is the complete opposite. Nervous habit or something. The board would probably tell him to quit if he was any other person. He’s not a muscle pig like Chan, Minho, and Changbin are, but he works out enough to offset any of his overeating habits. His metabolism is the best one among the group.

“Jeongin is definitely going to kill you.” says Hyunjin. 

“I know.” Felix slumps in his seat. “I’d run to the nearest convenience store and buy him something there, but I’m not allowed to leave in case my makeup gets ruined. Noona refuses to give me a retouch.” Then Felix suddenly perks up, as if realizing something. “How long are you staying?”

Hyunjin and Jisung are going to head to the practice room early tomorrow morning to practice for the choreography of “Gold Star”, so he can’t stay as long as the other may want him to. “Until Jisung bugs me to go home.” Hyunjin says. The rapper snuck out to meet up Yejin. “And before you ask, no, I didn’t bring my wallet, so I can’t buy you replacement food to appease Jeongin when he finds out what you did.”

Felix huffs. “Fine.” he says petulantly. “Changbin-hyung’s stopping by later anyway. I can always weedle it out of him.”

This time, Hyunjin doesn’t even get to try. Automatically, he turns stiff, but he tries covering it up with the way he fiddles with one of the accessories left lying on the table. It’s a silver necklace. It reminds him of Changbin’s doggy one. Hyunjin hasn’t thought about that for a while. He doesn’t even remember if Changbin still wears it. It’s not like he’s been looking at Changbin long enough to notice lately.

Hyunjin knows he should drop it before it becomes too palpable to just ignore, like what they’ve all been doing for months, but. “When’s he stopping by?”

“30 minutes to nine.”

Hyunjin checks his phone. It’s alomst quarter to eight. Jisung is probably going to finish his date by ten, but he can fake a phone call and leave early. It would mean not getting to talk to Jeongin, but it’s not a necessity when they’re bandmates and housemates. At least the maknae knows he came by. 

“That’s it.” Felix suddenly exclaims. Hyunjin snaps his head towards the other, and he looks downright pissed. “You need to quit doing this shit.”

“What shit?”

Felix stands up. “Did hyung do anything to you?”

The question throws him off guard. But as many excuses as Hyunjin can come up, he knows he’ll only come to one conclusion. “No.”

“Then you need to stop this stupid distancing thing you’re doing with hyung!” Felix yells, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. “He hasn’t actually said anything, but it’s obvious that he’s upset by what you’re doing. And it’s not— it’s not fair to him. He doesn’t even know what he did wrong, Hyunjin, and now you’re telling me there isn’t even anything in the first place? That you’re ignoring him for no good reason, absolutely out of nowhere? That’s so fucking _shitty_. What kind of dick must you be to do that?”

Hyunjin knows Felix has a point. That he’s being an absolute ass lately. That what Felix is doing is basically acknowleding the elephant in the room that everyone in the group has just been trying to ignore out of good faith that Hyunjin and Changbin will resolve things themselves. The fact that it isn’t as violent as his initial relationship with Jisung is probably why they don’t mind it as much, but it doesn’t mean that it can go on forever. 

But Hyunjin’s brain can’t process any of that right now, because the first thing that comes to mind is, “Why the fuck do you care so much? Why the fuck is this any of your business?” 

He doesn’t remember the last time he said something with so much venom dripping down his voice — it’s because he’s annoyed that Felix is bombarding him with all these accusations when they have nothing to do with him in the first place — but the moment the words leave his lips, he realizes that the questions are stupid. Of course Felix is going to care. They’re Stray Kids; they’re best friends, brothers, soulmates, fucking _family_. Of course Felix is going to care. He’s—

“Because I’m in love with him!” Felix yells. 

—in love with Changbin. And Hyunjin has spent years with him to know a lot of things, but this isn’t one of them. 

“What?”

Felix’s fists are clenched tightly and his eyes are shiny as they look at Hyunjin. It doesn’t change the steadiness in his voice. “I’m in love with him.” he repeats. “Since the moment I walked in the room and saw him, and every moment that followed after. And I never stopped.”

“Oh.” Hyunjin says dumbly, dropping the necklace. 

“You’re all so kind to me, but it’s Changbin-hyung who always puts the most effort with me. Him and Chan-hyung, but Chan-hyung— it’s a given, because he’s like me. Changbin-hyung isn’t. He doesn’t understand anything about the feeling of leaving behind everything, of being left out, of wanting to return to something safer, because that’s never been his life, but he _tries_. And I love him for that.” Felix says, looking down, sounding pained and honest and so fucking pitiful that it grates on Hyunjin’s ears just as his heart aches for how hurt Felix sounds, for how in love he is. “But it’s never mattered.” The younger one lifts his head and meets Hyunjin’s gaze. “Because you’re the only one he sees.”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “That isn’t true.”

“Fuck you.” Felix snaps harshly. “There’s no way you can pretend that he doesnt treat you differently from the rest. I never stood a fucking chance,and I’ve accepted it; you’re family, and I would never force him to love me. But sometimes you drive me insane, you know? You have everything you could ever want, all that _I_ have ever wanted, but you aren’t doing anything. You’re just making it more complicated than it’s supposed to be. You’re just making the two of you go through more anguish you don’t need to experience. This isn’t some two-hour, drawn out film about romantic tragedy and self-discovery.”

Hyunjin feels like his heart has dropped into his stomach. “What are you talking about?”

Felix glares at him. “Do I really have to spell it out to you?” 

“Felix—”

“You’re also in love with him!”

In a moment like this, it’s supposed to be Hyunjin who cracks, who crumbles at the realization of something he hasn’t known despite it being there the entire time or something he has known but never acknowledged. But the one who breaks down and falls to his knees is Felix, and even though he covers his face with his hands, he can’t quite muffle the loud sobs and trembles that rack his entire body. 

Hyunjin, like the absolute shit friend he is, just stands there for a few seconds in shocked silence before remembering that Felix is currently losing it right in front of him. He walks up to him and crouches down, hand cautiously reaching up to touch Felix’s shoulder, but the younger angrily slaps him away. Hyunjin is hurt, but he supposes that he deserves it. 

“Felix,” says Hyunjin quietly. “I’m not in love with Changbin-hyung.”

“Seriously, fuck you.” Felix says, voice thick, but there’s not as much venom as there was the first time. Hyunjin wonders how long Felix has kept this bottled in. It only makes Hyunjin feel more terrible than before, but he refuses to tip toe around Felix’s feelings like this by easily accepting his words without saying what he thinks. It might just make the other angrier, the lack of integrity, sincerity. “You are.”

“I’m not.” Hyunjin insists. 

Felix sharply glances at him, gaze hard and full of scrutinity. “Why do you keep on insisting that you don’t?”

Because he doesn’t. It’s the same thing he’s been reiterating to Felix over and over again, but Felix just won’t accept it. Why won’t he? Hyunjin wonders. He doesn’t like Changbin like that. He doesn’t, because he can’t, because liking Changbin, being _in love_ with him, would mean that what the fans already think of their relationship is true; it would make their insane fantasies and obsessive way of viewing them as entertainment products rather than people actually legitimate, actually _valid_ , because there’s more that happens behind-the-scenes that they can apparently see better than even Hyunjin can, and Hyunjin— he doesn’t want them to be right. He doesn’t want to conform to their narrative. 

As badly as Hyunjin wants to admit all this to Felix though, he can’t. The other wouldn’t get it. He doesn’t get affected by those kinds of things, and neither do the rest of the members, and it’s why it’s something Hyunjin has to bottle all these up no matter how much it eats at him. They don’t care, and Hyunjin does, and that makes all the difference. “Why do you keep insisting that I do?”

“Because it’s so fucking obvious, Hyunjin.” huffs Felix, wiping his eyes. “When you’re around him, you’re more of everything. More sensitive, more at ease, more honest. It’s like he brings out you at its peak, like he’s the only one who you feel comfortable enough to shed whatever barriers you keep up and just be yourself wholeheartedly.”

 _Is that what love is?_ Hyunjin doesn’t see where Felix is coming from, but the thought, the possibility of him being right, oddly warms his heart. Then he shakes the thought of, because it’s just a possibility. And even if Felix is under his notion that Changbin likes Hyunjin, that _Hyunjin_ likes Changbin, Hyunjin just can’t buy into that. The only Changbin that Hyunjin sees is a stranger, the one who had put on the mask far too many times to the point where he forgets that there’s a time and place to take it off before it becomes glued to his skin, and all this means is that Felix just doesn’t know Changbin as well as he thought, the same way Hyunjin doesn’t know the older. 

“I’m not in love with him, Felix.”

“I give up on you.” Felix declares, but even as he says that, he leans forward and tucks his head by Hyunjin’s chest, arms wrapped around his waist. Hyunjin knows his shirt is going to be damp by the time the other pulls away, but he doesn’t mind. “But please. Please do something. Don’t let this go on when it’s just hurting the both of you.”

“Felix,” Hyunjin says. “Changbin-hyung doesn’t love me like that, but I don’t know if I can ever get him to love you.” 

“Fuck, are you kidding me right now? It’s not about that.” Felix says, pushing him back. “I don’t care about that. It was— it was never about me. It’s about him, and it’s about you, and it’s about fixing whatever mess you’ve gotten yourselves into.”

Hyunjin looks away. “I don’t know if I can.” 

“You can.” Felix says firmly. “You just have to want to.”

But that’s the thing. Hyunjin doesn’t want to. He isn’t ready to. He’s selfish. No matter how much Felix pleads, Hyunjin can’t get out the image of an unfamiliar face standing in Changbin’s face, wearing his clothes, wearing his expressions, wearing his identity like nothing is amiss. Hyunjin can’t get over the things the fans say, the meaning behind each gesture and action taken, the bigger, much bleaker picture about the personal, private things he once held so dear to his heart. He’s not strong enough to persevere despite all that; he’s not selfless enough to do as Felix wants and solve things. That— that has always been Changbin. Or at least, that’s always been the Changbin that Hyunjin knows. Who’s to say that the older is still like that, that it hasn’t been overshadowed or become an act on its own because it’s what expected of him? 

Hyunjin doesn’t know, even after all this time, and the realization terrifies him just as much as it did the first time it hit him. It’s been so much easier now that they aren’t talking, aren’t even acknowledging one another, because it means Hyunjin thinks of it less and less, can’t overthink the way Changbin will act around him when he isn’t there in the first place. 

But no matter how many ways he forms the words and prepares the explanation in his head, it’s not something he thinks will make sense to anyone but himself. And how could Felix, of all people, see it, when he’s in fucking love with Changbin, when he practically puts the other on an unattainable pedestal, convinced that only Hyunjin can reach him? He won’t. Hyunjin is just wasting his words on Felix, when the latter will only be assured by one answer alone. 

“Okay.” Hyunjin agrees. “I’ll try.” 

Felix smiles, and that’s how Hyunjin knows it’s worked. Either he’s so emotional that he’s allowing himself to be naive, or Hyunjin is just that trustworthy in Felix’s eye. Hyunjin doesn’t know which is worse. 

* * *

Even if Hyunjin has no plans of fixing things, it doesn’t mean he’s not going to at least try something to appease Felix. He becomes more subtle about his avoidance, and in front of the members, interacts with Changbin, though he makes sure there aren’t any openings or opportunities for them to have private conversations, and at best, they’re civil around each other. He’ll stand beside Changbin out of nowhere or make some offhand remark about him and generally act like Changbin’s existence isn’t a plague of some sort, but there’s no direct questions or conversations meant for the older specifically, no horsing around and acting as casual as they did before. 

None of the members notice anything past how the tension supposedly dissipated, which is why Hyunjin internally scolds himself for not doing this sooner. Maybe he could’ve avoided the entire breakdown with Felix if he’d just done this. He doesn’t have a repeat of it with the younger Australian either, which makes Hyunjin realize that Felix knowing anything about Changbin’s perspective about the growing distance between the two of them was really just the younger’s speculation and assumption from always watching the older, rather than Changbin outright telling him anything. 

It’s not that surprising, when he thinks about it. That’s the kind of thing people do when they’re in love. They notice things. They look when no one is watching. They become desperate for anything willing to be given to them. They care about the seemingly unimportant stuff. 

Not that Hyunjin would know. But he’d like to think that it works like that. 

What he does know is the glimpse of relief that flashes across Changbin’s face whenever Hyunjin spares him the briefest amounts of attention. Hyunjin knows Changbin isn’t stupid; he knows that Changbin knows what Hyunjin is doing. That he’s trying to put on a show to ease down the complaints of the fans and the underlying concerns of the members. Nothing has really changed between them. 

And yet Hyunjin still catches them with that expression each time. He especially feels guilty during one instance when he’s passing around water bottles and carelessly tosses one at the elder’s direction. He can’t help but sickeningly think that Changbin looks pathetic like that, like he’s clearly starved for any semblance of Hyunjin giving him a glance, and it’s a first, because Hyunjin has thought many mean things in his life, but never like that. 

_It’s because he’s in love with you._ A voice in Hyunjin’s head says, and he almost deludes himself into thinking it’s Felix, except it’s his own voice, ringing loud and clear. _That’s the kind of thing people do when they’re in love. They become desperate; they care. And you won’t acknowledge that it’s what he feels for you._

For one of the year-end award shows — MAMA, probably, Hyunjin doesn’t actually remember, because sometimes these things just blend together, which Minho points out to be a sign that they’re getting less and less like rookies — they’re tasked to prepare a special intro before segwaying into “Take Two”. It’s Changbin who makes the beat this time around, and it’s ridiculously good, of course, but it’s not like Hyunjin and Changbin are on that kind of speaking terms to actually exchange compliments like they could once openly do. Their initial plan was just to make the dance line do the intro performance, but the board insisted all nine of them do it, because the stage was too big for just three people to occupy and they could use the time to show off how they’re all equally good at dancing. 

They pull all-nighter after all-nighter for planning and practice. The formations are a little more complicated than the dance moves themselves, and they’ve been told to add in more stunts. The thing is, none of them are really stunt-heavy kind of people, unlike their sunbaenims, which just makes things more difficult for them. 

Jeongin trips about five times in one practice. Woojin and Seungmin crash into each other more than once. Chan is too out of breath after a certain move to smoothly deliver his line. They’re all high-strung and tense. They’re under pressure to provide something new and accomplish it within the small timeframe they’ve been given and also meet whatever ridiculously high expectations the company has for them. 

A breaking point is inevitable. 

There’s this portion in the intro where Felix ducks and then someone is supposed to do a flip right over them, taking over the center spot. Though Chan, Minho, and Changbin can all do flips, none of them have the jumping power needed to easily go over Felix without accidentally hitting one another in the process. Hyunjin does, but among everyone in the dance line, he’s the least experienced with stunts, so he has to practice his acrobatics. Felix can’t bend too much because that would ruin the formation — at most, his head and back can be aligned with his waist — so the height Hyunjin has to overcome is high, but he’s the best equipped to do it. 

Not doing it is an option, of course, but it’s a last resort none of them really want to have to use because it speaks volumes of their limitations, and even though they’ve accomplished a lot for the company, they’re still expected to do more. 

He does the flip. It works for the first two times becuse Felix is lowering his head more than he has to, just so that Hyunjin can get a feel of how it’s going to work. When Felix adjusts his position a bit, a little closer to the original way he’s supposed to bend, Hyunjin only barely manages to get past him. He realizes that he has to widen the distance for him to get better prep time. 

He does it a fourth time, and then a fifth, and then a sixth, and each time, he gets momentarily winded, disoriented, doesn’t land as firmly as he intends to or is a little off-center or even falls. Those are the worst of times, but he perseveres nonetheless. No one goes to help him because it’s clear that he doesn’t want it. With each instance, inch by inch, he moves farther and farther away until his back is nearly hitting the wall. He thinks it’s enough. 

He dashes forward and does the flip. Though he only barely manages not to touch Felix, it’s smooth-sailing mid-air. For a second, he’s ecstatic. 

Except when he lands, he doesn’t put enough force into his right foot and it briefly twists as he adds weight to it, and a sharp pain shoots up his leg.

Hyunjin somehow manages not to swear aloud just as he regains his footing in the last minute, and it takes all his strength to not fall to the ground and make a show of the fact that he got injured. At least he recognizes this kind of pain, and knows that he’s lucky, because there isn’t going to be any long-term damage. It’s an ache that he knows will subside after a few minutes, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt like a bitch, and he can’t quite keep his eyes from slightly watering up. 

It’s quiet in the room. Hyunjin realizes that some of the members — the others have decided to split and focus on refining other sections that they aren’t doing that well in — are waiting for him to say something; they probably haven’t figured that he nearly twisted his ankle. “That definitely wasn’t it.” he states. 

Minho nods in agreement before turning to Felix, who stands up properly and walks to them. Hyunjin uses the opportunity of not being noticed to slightly hunch over because he can’t sit down completely, as if curling in a bit will ease the throbbing pain from his ankle. “He needs more distance?”

Felix frowns. “He’s already pressed against the wall. He can’t go any farther than that.”

Hyunjin gently taps his foot before visibly wincing. It still hurts. “I’m doing most of it fine already.” he tells them. “I just can’t get the last bit right. My landing isn’t perfect.”

Minho hums. “Wanna give it another go?”

With the pain still ever-present, not really, but Hyunjin will be damned before he admits that. He has to get it right. He can’t afford to fail.

Hyunjin is about to nod, but then Changbin abruptly interjects, “Maybe he shouldn’t.”

Hyunjin stops. Minho and Felix look to Changbin in surprise. “What?”

“The stunt is too much.” Changbin says evenly. 

Hyunjin doesn’t even realize his hands have been balled into fists until he can feel his nails digging angrily into his palm to the point where marks are left. “I can do it.”

Changbin looks at him with a raised eyebrow, disbelief evident. “Your landing begs to differ.”

It’s not like Hyunjin doesn’t see what Changbin is hinting at. The older clearly noticed that Hyunjin injured himself whereas the rest of them didn’t, but the fact that he knows and is choosing not to say anything for the sake of the younger’s pride doesn’t actually do anything to reassure Hyunjin. It doesn’t, because all Hyunjin can think of is Changbin’s know-it-all tone and how he fucking hates it. It’s like he’s implying that Hyunjin can’t handle it, and even if he’s proven time and time again that he _can’t_ , it’s not an excuse to give up. Hyunjin may not be doing it right at this moment, but he will. They just need to give him more time, more chances to practice and perfect this. Hyunjin isn’t going to settle for not being enough. 

“Fuck off.” Hyunjin finds himself snapping. “Lower your expectations a bit. There’s no way I was going to get this right from the start.”

“That’s not the point.” Changbin says, stepping forward. 

Hyunjin follows suit. “Then what are you trying to say?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be doing this in the first place.”

If anything, that just makes Hyunjin angrier. He doesn’t care if he gets hurt in the process; it happens to everyone. As long as it’s nothing bad, he can keep going. He doesn’t get why Changbin is making such a big fucking issue out of it. “Why? Because I’m not capable?” 

“I never said that.”

By now, they’re nearly chest-to-chest, only inches apart. Even though Hyunjin is the taller between the two of them, he has never felt so small under Changbin’s gaze, and the fact crawls under his skin uncomfortably. It makes him want to lash out, rile him up, do something to get rid of how fucking composed Changbin looks to make way for the frustration clearly bubbling over, threatening to come out. 

“Then fucking tell me what you want to say, hyung.” Hyunjin hisses. “Because I have better things to do with my time than trying to decipher whatever vague bullshit you’re spouting.”

Changbin lets out a dark laugh. “Oh, so _now_ you’re finally bothering to give a shit about what I say and do?”

“Okay, you guys need to calm down.” Woojin suddenly interrupts, having left Seungmin to go to them, sensing that they’re two seconds away from throwing fists. He grabs Hyunjin by the shoulder and yanks him away just as Minho does the same for Changbin. Felix glances between the two of them, looking horrified and hurt. By then, the rest of the members are gathered around them, confusion and concern in their faces. “This has been going on since the start of comeback season. You two haven’t fixed anything yet?”

“Apparently not.” Chan breaks in, looking stern and disappointed. He had briefly left the room a few minutes ago to talk to their manager about something, but Hyunjin guesses that the leader had seen the argument. “Clearly, no one is in the right mindset to practice.” He glances sharply at Changbin and Hyunjin. Immediately, the elder gazes down, looking ashamed even with how he’s biting into his lip, like he’s trying to hold back whatever negative emotion inside him that wants to escape. All Hyunjin can do is swalows audibly, but Chan is already looking to the other members. “So I’m ending practice for today. Pack your stuff; we’re heading back to the dorms. Except for you two.” He turns back to them. “I’m through with putting up with this shit, hoping you’re going to resolve it on your own time. It’s already the end of the year, and you’re still keeping this immature act up. We can’t afford this anymore, you hear me? You guys aren’t allowed to return until you’ve made up. Got it?”

Changbin carefully looks up. Hyunjin still can’t muster any words. Chan continues to stare at them, expecting an answer, until Changbin breathes out a quiet, “Yes, hyung.” 

Then he grabs Hyunjin’s wrist and drags him out of the room. 

* * *

Changbin takes him to the 11th floor. When they get there, it’s empty of the staff members and employees that occupy this space on a daily basis. 

It must be later than Hyunjin expects. The last time he was here, Changbin was too. Bits of the conversation at the time filter his mind, but they’re disjointed and he isn’t really in the right headspace to recall everything, even if he’s calmed down significantly. All he really remembers was that they were personal, that Hyunjin had gone there because he overheard something he wasn’t supposed to hear and wanted some place to breathe that wasn’t outside. 

The floor is a bit dusty, but it doesn’t stop either of them from sitting down. Instead of staying right smack in the middle of the hallway like last time, they find themselves at the end of the corridor, where there’s a clear glass that shows them the view of outside. A small portion of the glass can be opened, like a window, so Changbin pushes it open before they sit down to let air come in. There’s a potted plant innocently placed by the glass that Hyunjin watches Changbin move away so they can get a good view of the city. He can’t help but think the entire scene is a bit surreal, the kind of thing you see in movies, idealistic and touching and even a bit romantic scenarios that people remember forever. 

“Want one?” Changbin asks Hyunjin quietly. The younger one turns to see Changbin offering him a lollipop. Wordlessly, Hyunjin takes it. The plastic crinkles under his touch as he unravels it. Changbin is a lot faster, and the lollipop he slips in his mouth and sucks is black in color. Coca-cola flavor, Hyunjin is guessing. On the other hand, Hyunjin’s candy is bright green, and it faintly tastes like apple. 

Hyunjin doesn’t need an explanation to know what this is. It’s yet another nod to something they shared, back when they were trainees, just like this floor. When Hyunjin first met 3RACHA, all of them were into smoking, but Changbin had it the worst. The younger helped get him to stop by substituting the cigarettes for lollipops, because his mother used to pack him tons of candy since she always told him how she’d rather let him get diabetes than accidentally overdose on caffeine. Lollipops were never Hyunjin’s favorite, but he’d eat them with Changbin out of solidarity. The younger knows that the other had gotten over the desire for a smoke long ago, but between them, the lollipops were a sign that Changbin was distressed, even if he hid it well. 

Now that Hyunjin is a lot more leveheaded than before, the thought that he’s been causing Changbin distress weighs down heavily on him. 

After a few more minutes of silence, Changbin says, “I thought you wanted space.”

“What?”

Changbin takes out the lollipop from his mouth even though he’s been eating the candy long enough to be able to speak clearly despite it. “I wanted to talk to you about it sooner, but I thought you wanted the space to sort out your feelings.” He swallows. “Then before I knew it, months had already passed. I forgot that it was you. You’re never the type to make the first move about anything.”

The thought should be insulting, but it’s not like Changbin isn’t right. Hyunjin has always been the scaredy cat, the one who will never be the first to take the leap, but he’s also always been the one who follows through with what he says. 

But Chan has finally put his foot down, and Changbin is right here, extending his hand for Hyunjin to hold. There’s no way he can turn away now. 

Hyunjin takes the lollipop out. It’s just a stick by now. For a candy he doesn’t like much, he’s always finished it faster than Changbin. 

He twirls the plastic around, initially unsure as to where to start. Eventually, he says, “I’ve been reading comments again.”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Changbin pull a disapproving face, but he doesn’t say anything. Hyunjin takes this as his cue to continue. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get it.” he says. “How it never bothers to rest of you, what the fans say about us, how they see the way we interact with one another.”

Changbin leans back, popping the lollipop back in. Hyunjin can’t help but think that the other looks cool like that. “I thought that what got to you was the hate comments.”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “What haters say don’t matter to me.” But the fans, that’s another story. Because Hyunjin cares what the fans say, because he cares about the fans in general. “I know you notice them too. The shipping thing.”

Again, Changbin remains silent, but his lack of denial is an answer enough. 

“I hate what they say, you know?” Hyunjin confesses. “Like my relationships aren’t really _my_ relationships anymore, but whatever they want them to be. And I hate that I can’t even tell if the way you act around me is for show or not.” He presses his knees closer to his chest, lowers his head as if to make himself smaller. His words already make him feel bare enough. “If you’re sweet to me because you know the fans like it. Or if you’re like that because you’ve gotten too used to your role, to this fictional character you’re trying to be.”

Hyunjin looks ahead. The city looks so quiet from where they are. The members are probably back in the dorms, possibly wondering how the two of them are doing if they haven’t knocked themselves out from exhaustion. 

“Do you know how Felix feels about you?” Hyunjin says, glancing at him. “Because I didn’t until he told me, and the signs have always been there. It should’ve been obvious enough from how unaffected he was by how the fans kept on putting you two together. From how he even seemed to like it.”

Changbin’s face turns soft at the mention of the other, but it’s less like the fond, pleased look and more filled with sorrow, guilt. “I knew since debut.” He admits. 

Hyunjin gapes at him. “That long?” he demands. “Then why haven’t you done anything about it? He’s so obsessed with you. He looks at you like you hung up the moon, like you’re the brightest thing in the room.” 

Changbin meets his gaze just then, and says, quietly but firmly, “You know why.”

The tirade falls short on Hyunjin’s lips. It sounds almost hypocritical, for Hyunjin to spew all this out, when he hadn’t known any of this until it had been spelled out right in front of him. And it _is_ hypocritical, to get worked up over Changbin’s lack of action, when Hyunjin is just the same. 

“Hyunjin,” Changbin starts. “I’m not going to be the hyung for the next few minutes.”

Hyunjin blinks. “What?”

“I’m not going to be the rational, comforting one.” Changbin says. “I’m not going to be your hyung right now, and you’re not going to the dongsaeng. Because I’m going to talk to you like an equal, okay?” 

Hyunjin doesn’t understand why Changbin has to say that, because even though Hyunjin has always looked to Changbin to be the mature one, not once has he ever felt inferior to him, to the point where there’s a need for them to establish that they’re on the same level to be honest. But Changbin seems intent on getting an answer, so Hyunjin just nods. 

Changbin lets out a sigh before properly angling his body towards Hyunjin. Like this, the former’s gaze is a lot more intense. “First off, the real reason you’re so worked up over what people say about our relationship is because their assumptions don’t give you the chance to evaluate how you really feel about me.” he tells him. “And because of that, you end up refusing to accept it because you don’t want the fans to be proven right.” 

Hyunjin can’t believe Changbin is fucking psychoanalyzing him. It doesn’t— it doesn’t matter if what Changbin says _might_ be true; the audacity Changbin has to do that is just too much. But all Hyunjin can do is look at him incredulously. Changbin takes that as his cue to continue. 

“Secondly,” Changbin says. “You told me sometime ago, that you wanted to be like me.”

“I did.” Hyunjin reluctantly agrees, his throat feeling dry. “You told me I didn’t.”

“I meant what I said.” says Changbin. “It’s not about wanting to _be_ me, it’s about wanting to be _with_ me.” Instinctively, Hyunjin recoils, as if he’d just been slapped at the face, but the elder presses on. “That’s why you care so much as to whether or not the way I treat you is fake.” 

Is that really why? Because he wants Changbin to be sincere to him? Because he’s— because Hyunjin’s in love with Changbin, and when you’re in love, what you want is the authenticity of a person, no matter how ugly it may be? 

“I thought you weren’t going to be a hyung right now.” Hyunjin points out. “But that’s exactly what you’re doing right now, telling me how I feel.”

Changbin actually has the gall to roll his eyes. “Tell me that I’m lying then.”

The thing is, Hyunjin can’t, because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know, because he’s never been in love before, because he’s never done this. 

He doesn’t know, except when he looks into Changbin’s eyes, it’s like what’s shining back at him is the answer, clear as day. 

Changbin seems to hesitate for the briefest of moments, then he reaches out and hovers his hand over Hyunjin’s, which rests limply on the floor. “Can I?”

He’s never had to ask, Hyunjin thinks. And yet, “Why do you want to?”

“Because I’m in love with you.” Changbin says plainly, and this— 

This is supposed to be the moment where Hyunjin’s world grinds to a halt, because it’s been a truth he’s been denying for so long, and now it’s laid bare right in front of him, and he can’t turn away from it. 

But that doesn’t actually happen, because no matter how long or how many times Hyunjin insists that there has always been nothing, a part of him always _knew_. Past Felix telling him, past their almost kisses, past the things the people who don’t actually know them say. 

“I’m in love with you.” Changbin says again, firmer this time. “I always have been. That’s why I’ve never cared about what the rest of them say about us. Because the way I feel for you has never been influenced by the fans’ perception, by the image they want me to fit in. Because how I treat you has never been an act. I know— I know what you’re worried about. The people we are in front of the camera aren’t the same people behind it, and sometimes I slip. With Chan-hyung, with Jeongin, sometimes even with Felix, who is supposed to be my best friend. But never with you. You— you were always it for me.”

The admission is too much for Hyunjin; he bursts into tears. He can’t help but cry, because Changbin has been real with him all this time, and the one thing that’s been keeping them apart all these months has been something nonexistent all along. Hyunjin feels so stupid; he feels so relieved. It’s as if all that time he hadn’t spent longing for Changbin is crashing onto him now at full force, and he wants to bury his head in Changbin’s arms and never part. 

Almost like he’s reading his mind, Changbin forgoes trying to hold Hyunjin’s hand and pulls him in for an embrace instead. Hyunjin buries his head in the crook of Changbin’s neck because it’s instinctive; Changbin rests his chin on top of the younger’s head because that’s where he fits best in this frame, in this puzzle. It feels right. Hyunjin misses Changbin’s touch too much. 

“I’m sorry if it ever seemed like I was pretending.” Changbin apologizes to him. “I’ll tell the fans to tone down the shipping thing, if you want.”

Changbin never denies the fans anything, but for Hyunjin, he will. He isn’t lying, and he’ll pull through with his offer. Hyunjin wants to be a better man and say that it’s alright, that he doesn’t need that because Changbin’s words are all he needs for a reassurance, but even if that’s the case— “That— that would be nice.” he replies timidly. 

Even without looking, he can feel Changbin’s slight smile at the way he sounds. In response, Hyunjin just tightens his grip on the other’s waist. Changbin starts to tenderly rub circles on his back. “You know,” Hyunjin finds himself saying. “Even if what you said was true, I really do look up to you. How you aren’t afraid to be honest even if it’s not the nicest of things or what others want to hear, how you’ll draw a line with the fans even though you’re the only person besides Chan-hyung who holds them up to the highest regard just for the sake of someone else. I admire you.” 

“Mm,” Changbin hums into his hair. “You admire me.”

“Mhm.”

“Do you love me?” 

Hyunjin almost doesn’t hear it. It’s easy for his mind to wander now that they’re touching, because Changbin’s presence is the only thing he needs to keep himself grounded enough, and his heart is warm and so full of comfort that the world could fade away right before his very own eyes and he wouldn’t blink twice. 

But he does hear the other, and the answer to that— well. It makes Hyunjin think that he’ll need to look back on what he knows, what he remembers, to come to a conclusion, just as he knows, at the same time, that he doesn’t need to do any of that. 

“That’s a stupid question.” he replies. “You already know the answer.” 

Changbin hums again. “I know but,” he says. “Tell me anyway?”

Hyunjin lets out a soft huff, but there’s no malice behind it. They’re going to be okay, even if not everything is fixed just like that. It’s okay, to take things slowly, step by step. Changbin contently sighs into his hair, and Hyunjin thinks there’s no harm in indgulging the other. 

“I do, hyung.” Hyunjin tells him. “I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get it? its "i do" bc changbin joined we got married and thats the phrase ppl say in wedding vows ... hehe ... ok thats it ...
> 
> looking back on it, there were definitely things i couldve added like hyeri having bigger relevance to the story in the sense that she actually has dialogue, as well as more bonding moments with the other skz members. hyeri and the fever dream members were actually supposed to have a bigger impact on the story and hyunjin's character development in the sense that there would actually be scenes wherein they interact and they make him Realize shit upfront, but during the process i was already so over this goddamn fic that i just ditched the idea and subplot possibility

**Author's Note:**

> fills that were covered during the duration of this long ass fic:  
> relentless perfection that never lets you properly enjoy success,  
> do i want to be him or sleep with him?,  
> not sure who in the group you can trust,  
> gilded cage stockholm syndrome,  
> desperately trying to establish solo avenues because otherwise your career is dead in the water in 3 years;  
> free space: being indebted to fans who are the reason for your success 
> 
> AND the main star of the show: shipping ruins your relationships
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. hmu on my [twt](https://twitter.com/hanjisquish) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/youngwings) if u wanna chat :>

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [somewhere soon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26773009) by [disstrack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/disstrack/pseuds/disstrack)




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